Won't Somebody Think of our Children

So Ontario is updating its sex education curriculum. 

Predictably, parents marched on Queen's Park to protest the fact that government was interfering too much in the role of parents and should not take over their responsibility.  According to the Toronto Star parents had issues with the following items [My imagined placards for the protest in brackets]:

• Grade 1 - learning proper names of your body [Pee Pee 4 Life]
 
• Grade 3-  learning about same-sex relationships [Everyone is Awesome ...except "you" people over there, but I am not homophobic. I have lots of gay friends.  I just prefer that my child doesn't learn anything about them or that they are deserving of equal treatment. I mean I believe in teaching people about equality of race, religion and all that.  But come on this is a  bridge too far.  I mean we can't teach our children to respect gay people because that would be undermine my marriage.  Why you ask? Um....well... I would love to answer that, but my hand is getting tired from holding this giant sign] 
• Grade 6 - answering (when prompted) about masturbation  [Don't ask.  Don't touch]
 
• Grade 7 - learning that anal and oral sex also carries a risk of STDs [What I don't want to know can't hurt me]

Now I know you may think from my acerbic tone that I do not agree with the parents.  You would be wrong.

 

Now I do believe that sex education is like math and all our children should have basic rudimentary understanding of certain things.  All our children should know that 1+1 might equal 3 if we don't plan ahead, that the square root of 4761 can be fantastic and the answer to the age old brain teaser:

 

"If train A leaves Dorset station at 9:00 pm going east at 72 mph and Train B leaves Avon Station at 9:30 going west at 86 mph, what is the failure rate of the condom worn by the couple doing it in the dining car washroom?"
 

However, the parents are right that the government has no place educating our children about sex.   I mean have you seen our math scores (proven by the fact that you didn't know that the square root of 4761 is 69).  

 

I propose a more elegant solution.  Think of it as a more formalized "learn it from the schoolyards". 

 

Each young child will be paired with an older student who has experienced "it" before.   By "it" I mean that thing that you do when you like like a person.  This will be an updated "reading buddy" program.  I call it "sex buddies", but agree that the name could use a little work.

 

My program has several elements.  Each is critical to its success.

 

First, the match will be totally random.  It will essentially be luck of the draw.  We might pair a homosexual youth with the most bigoted homophobe out there.  This would inevitably lead to a healthy debate where each side feels their views are being heard and respected. Or potentially suicide.

 

Second, there will be no formal education for anyone in the buddy program.  We won't ensure that the buddy knows anything about sexual transmitted diseases, the concept of consent, sexting or anything else of substance.  The only important point is that they are older.  We won't even check to make sure that they believe in equality of sexes or sexual orientation.  All of that stuff will just sort itself out in the wash.  

 

Third, we won't schedule any actual meetings and we won't monitor the program effectiveness at all.  We want this to be an organic thing.  Now I know you may be worried that this may lead to no actual meetings.  I trust that the buddies will be really excited to discuss this thing that they may be ashamed to talk about.   

 

Finally, there will be no accountability.  No one will be able to ask anything of anyone involved in the program because it is none of our business.  It is purely between the child and their buddy.

 

Essentially, my program will ensure that our children's knowledge of a critical part of life (and the cause of many potential problems in adolescence) will be taught to them by someone with no formal training, with potentially all kinds of bias and with no oversight by anyone. 

 

Now I know you may think that this program is essentially the same as having the parent teach the child, but my program is better.  I mean talking with your child about sex... awkward.  If only there were educated professionals who were trained to teach our kids about important things in a manner that fostered learning and inclusiveness with regulated oversight.  But we don't live in such a wonderful utopia.  We have to deal with the real world.

 

I mean it worked for us, so it will work for our kids, right?   Anyways, if it didn't work for us it won't matter.  Without formalized sex-education we will be the ones teaching our children all of our failings and misinformation.  This is the circular logic of life.

 

Just don't blame the internet, MTV or society when your child gets a sexual transmitted disease because they didn't know how to prevent it.

 

You only have yourself to blame.  

 

 

 

Moments...

So yes it has been a long while.  I had things to do.  Get over it/Welcome back. 

Recently, I watched two movies that were very different.  "Boyhood" and "Into the Woods".  One was bad.  One was about as good as you could make a movie based on the material. 

Both dealt with moments.

The first was Boyhood.  Let me start by saying I love the director Richard Linklater.  I love the Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight trilogy and also am a big fan of Waking Life and Dazed and Confused.  So I was very primed to see this.  It had gotten rave reviews and is the presumptive favorite to win the Oscar for best picture.  So it was the good one right?

It was horrible.

The only thing it had going for it was the fact that it was shot over like 15 years so we get to see the young boy and his sister age before our eyes.  The problem was there was no story to go along with it.  Okay I know what you are thinking.  The point was that  you got to see little moments of the life of the boy growing up and get a sense of who he is.

But you didn't.  I didn't feel I knew the character at all.  In fact the moments were so clichéd it was ridiculous.  Alcoholic father throwing glasses.  Check.  Family moving around.  Check.  Kid struggling against authority and being told what to do.  Check.   There was a scene where the kid literally sit and stared at a dead sparrow.  Are you fucking kidding me?

There is one scene in the movie is so ridiculously pathetic that it defies description (but I am going to try anyways).  At one point the mother needs a septic line replaced.  The worker who is Mexican is digging up the pipe and is nice and good at his job.  There is this pause in everything going on and the mother says he should consider going to community college and that he is smart and this is something he could do to make his life better.  Like the true Checkov's gun that this was, years later at just the right time when the mother is giving her kids advice guess who shows up as the manager at a restaurant, after having worked his way through community college and having had his whole life turned around by this one casual conversation.  You guessed it.  It was ridiculous and truly unreal. 

Also, the "boy" couldn't act.  This is to be expected when you cast a 4 year old and hope for the best.  But he just wasn't any good.  But everyone is so enamored with the fact that this took 15 years to film that they neglect that what was filmed is not that good.  The film had no point.  It had no message.  In the end it literally ends by saying life is a series of moments and pans up into the sky.  

This lead me to think of the other movie I watched over the Christmas Break - Into the Woods.  I love this musical.  It is Stephen Sondheim at his lyrical best. 

However, I thought that the movie would be horrible (see my thoughts on Les Miz in another column).  I cringed at Johnny Depp and Meryl Strep being cast.  I wondered if Disney would let the film be as dark as it is and allow the wolf to seriously be the child predator he needs to be when stalking little red riding hood. 

I shouldn't have been worried.  While it wasn't perfect it was about as good as you could do with the material in a non-live setting.  It was remarkably restrained in a way Les Miz was not.  The acting was terrific, the singing was good and there is one scene (where two princes try to out do each other) which was about as perfectly cast and staged as it could have been.

However, Richard Linklater should have listened to one of the songs in Into the Woods.  At one point in the movie near the end one of the character notes that:

           "Oh. If life were made of moments,
            Even now and then a bad one!
            But if life were only moments,
            Then you'd never know you had one."

That was the problem with Boyhood.  It was only moments.  It wasn't story.  It wasn't life.

Canada attacks

So I was reading the newspaper today and I came across the following story.

http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2013/05/29/beavers_kill_man_trying_to_pose_for_photo.html

You can read the article if you want, but the title says it all - Beavers Kill Man Trying to Pose for Photo.  Don't worry the man was from Belarus, so it is probably not someone you know.

My mind went immediately to three things.

None of them were this man's family.  If your father or husband gets killed by a beaver I suspect that he is not exactly a candidate for "world's best dad".  I suspect the 'grieving widow' may be donating a large portion of the life insurance proceeds to 'dam-nation', an organization that looks after the well-being of beavers (if there is such an organization and that is not its name something is wrong with the world). 

The first thing was that I knew it all along.  I have long suspected that beavers and otters use their cute little hands and swimming in order to lure us closer so they can eat us.  Otters especially seem to be evil creatures (swimming raccoons if you will).   I believe they swim around waiting to grab unsuspecting children at Marineland and feast on their eyeballs.  At least that is how they always appear to me.

The second thing is that this just shows that Canada is not investing in its military properly.  We have a great weapon of mass destruction at our fingertips.  1000s of beavers.  We can equip them with armor and weapons (I say lasers) and send them at not only the Belarusians, but all of Canada's enemies.  

The third and most important thing is that I want to see a copy of the pictures that were taken as the beaver mauled the man.  I think they should be put in a slideshow and played on an endless loop at his funeral.

What can I say.  My city is being run by a crack addict.  It truly is everybody for themselves. 

Apologies are in order.

It appears that television was not perfected last night.  It was already perfected two months ago.

Evidently, Splash was not the first celebrity diving show to air in North America.  In January 2013 Fox ran a show called Stars in Danger: The High Dive which featured stars such as JWOW and Twitch from So You Think You Can Dance performing high dives.

Splash was not an original idea (I know it hurts my heart too).  In fact it turns out Splash is already a hit in the Netherlands.  So at best Splash is the third celebrity diving show worldwide with more on the way.  If network TV is right (and I don't see how it can ever be wrong) public demand for high-diving competition is at such an all time high that we are demanding multiple shows about high diving to be on prime-time television. 

We all need to pay attention.  How many of us have dove lately?  Do you even know what a triple gainer is?  Can you name a diver other than Greg Luganis (note - saying "that Chinese guy who did all the flips last Olympics doesn't count").  People wake up and smell the chlorine.  I for one am now well versed in all things diving.

However, our lack of knowledge is not the biggest problem.  We may have a serious shortage on our hands.   How are we going to make shows if we have already used the d-list celebrities we have? Watching Kareem Abdul Jabar is fine the first season, but we have to think long term here.  What are we going to do for Splash Season 2 (the Wettening).  How are we going to cast Splash - All Stars (Return to the Pool) where previous winners of Splash stars worldwide will compete for the crown (or should I say bathing cap) of Splash Ultimate Champion.  We need to ensure that this amazing idea lives on.

I have the solution.  If we keep having other reality shows we will ensure that there is enough grist for the ongoing mill that is celebrity diving.   Take JWOW.  She is herself a celebrity because of a reality show (Jersey Shore) and now she is a diving puppet for our amusement.  Much like planting Christmas trees, if we ensure that we make at least two non-celebrity diving shows each year we will always have celebrities to fuel the insatiable public demand for diving.

So the next time you scoff at a particularly crazy reality show just remember that without that show we will not have an even stupider show down the line.
If you don't take the leap of faith from the high dive board you will never end up in the idyllic lagoon of your television dreams.   You also never end-up bleeding and alone in a pool of despair after smashing you head a la Mr. Luganis in the 3m springboard competition at the Seoul Olympics in 1988.

The choice is yours.  I personally am willing to risk my brain being clubbed in by inanity for the promise of a brighter future where celebrities risk life and limb for my amusement.

They finally did it!

Today is a historic day.  We will tell our kids about this day.  We will speak in hushed tones about it. 

We will mark March 19 on our calendars.  We will pay tribute to it.  We will remember.

For today is the day they perfected television.

I am of course talking about Splash.  The perfect television show.

Splash pairs celebrities and diving.  I know - I know - It is heaven.  Splash has a 65 year old Kareem Abdul Jabar trying to perform a summersault. Splash has Ndamukong Suh  (a 300 pound linebacker from the Detroit Lions) attempting a swan dive.  Splash has Rudy from the Cosby Show in a swimsuit and pairs her against comic Louie Anderson. 

Splash has synchronised swimmers kicking into commercial breaks.

 I can't think of a better program. Wait....Wait....I spoke too soon.  There are several better ideas.


Jump - Celebrity Skipping

Fall - Celebrity Parkour

Slide  - Celebrity Luge

and of course

Pong - Celebrity Table Tennis.


It turns out TV truly has no limit to the heights it can reach or the depths it will dive to.

What time is It? It's time to watch!

I am comfortable with the fact that I spend a lot of time watching TV.  There is nothing that can be done about that.  How can I resist the copious amounts of mind numbing entertainment one button push away?  What am I supposed to do, go for a walk?  You know that right now there is both an episode of 'till debt do us part' and 'strorage wars' on (these are both on 24 hours a day. I am beginning to suspect that, ironically, Gail Vaz-Oxlade owes a debt to some seriously powerful people and she is essentially an indentured servant).

What I didn't realise is the amount of kids shows I would watch after becoming a parent.   You see my genes are strong and my son also loves TV.  Except he has terrible taste in shows.  I figured we would be watching the Wire together.  Instead, we watch Bubble Guppies.  OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 

Now all of this repeated viewing has taught me somethings.  First, I now realise that the Sun is indeed a beautiful Sun and it goes around and around us.   That said I am starting to see the hidden stories that exist in each of these shows.  I also am noticing that there is serious need for some fact checking.

Allow me to now pass judgment on the following:

Bubble Guppies

• Lobsters doctors should not sing about the 'bones inside them'.  Lobsters do not have bones.  They have an exo-skeletons. 
• These fish live under water.  Yet nothing behaves as it would underwater.  My son is not going to understand fluid dynamics. 
• Why the hell is Nonny always frowning?  Is it because he has glasses and Molly (his crush) doesn't give a second look, instead preferring all look and no substance Gil? 
• Are you telling me that Goby (the only Black bubble guppy) is not on the Fishketball team?  I don't buy it.

Max and Ruby

• To quote the joker: "Where does he get those marvelous toys".  Max has the highest tech toys possible.  He has like remote control blimps and rockets with real fire.  I am pretty sure these do not exist. 
• Where are there parents?  I mean Max and Ruby live by themselves in a giant house.  The only adult involved in their lives is their Grandmother.  I have a theory on this.  Keep reading.
• What is up with Ruby?  Sometimes she is very nice to Max, but often she is the biggest bitch possible.  She tells Max to shut up and leave her alone when all Max wants to do is let her that t her chameleon has escaped.  She just doesn't listen.  I am very troubled by her bi-polar nature.   I think this explains the lack of parents.  I am 99% sure that Ruby (in a manic episode) killed her parents when they tried to take her out of the cult she was in (bunny scouts).  On the advice of the leader she offed them and has been taking care of Max ever since.  I am pretty sure we will see all of this in a series of flashbacks at the end of the season in a huge cliffhanger.  Max's word for the episode will be 'murder'.

Fireman Sam

• What the hell is wrong with this show? Why are the characters so sexist (at one point the lone female firefighter is told to stay in the kitchen while the men go fight the fires).
• What is up with Norman?  His voice is the most annoying thing ever.  He also literally sets a fire every episode.  This is a small town.  This kid is just torching a building everyday.  Do they not have juvenile detention in England?
• I think that the fire station is funding Norman to start fires so that there will be no questioning of why this small town afford a fire station and a rescue boat and a helicopter.  It makes no economic sense otherwise.   I also pretty sure Norman is Fireman Sam's illegitimate child.  

Thomas the Tank Engine

• Do you all see that Mr. Topenhat is running a totalitarian regime in which the engines are caught under his thumb and made to be useful or suffer the consequences?  The only one who understands the injustice of it all is Toby.  But he's too square to do anything about it.  If only Thomas would open his eyes and become the leader he was meant to be and start the revolution. 
• Also, Thomas should totally shunt Emily.  Am I right?

Toopy and Binoo

• There is nothing strange or weird about this show at all.  This show is very true to life and in no way will cause my child to suffer the equivalent of an acid flashback when he is older.  Way to go Quebec.

At least my son will be able to say that everything he learned,  he learned (wrong) from TV.

In Soviet Russia Cars Drive You

I am sure you all have heard about the meteor that almost hit the earth.  I am sure you all saw the footage of it from Russia.  It was awe-inspiring and amazing.... and all that.  But the meteor coming close (not really) to hitting the earth buried the real story. 

Living in Russia is like playing a real-life video game.

You see most of the footage of the meteor was captured by dash board cameras from Russians.  Why are there dash-board cameras in Russia, you ask.  It seems that there are a lot of corrupt cops in Russia and the best protection from being falsely arrested and thrown in the gulag is to have evidence that you were just minding your business driving your beets to the local borscht making factory when you were pulled out of your car by KGB agents and forced to dance the Cossack dance while said agents threw matryoshka dolls at you. 

You may have noticed that my last example shows that I know nothing about Russian culture.  I am sure it is a varied tapestry of experiences that I unfairly reduced to the most obvious caricatures that I have gleaned from television.  That being said, Russia is seriously fucked up.

Take a look at the compilation of videos captured from Russian car cams in the following link.

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=50141258n

Did you see that?  There was gun shootings, crazy car crashes, helicopters buzzing by and an airplane landing on the freeway.  Life in Russia is obviously way cooler than all of the Die Hard movies put together.  It is no wonder that Russia has banned adoptions to the United States.  They are afraid of giving them the next generation of action superheroes.  Now I know that the 'occurances' that were taped will likely harm some babies, but those that survive to adulthood are inevitably the next  John McClane or Martin Riggs.  You have to look at the silver lining.  Given what I know about superheroes from comics, Chernobyl must have resulted in at least one superhuman that the Russian government has kept secret and who will ultimately be used to gain global supremacy. 

Now I know that it is probably true that if there were dashboard cameras on every car in Canada we could probably film some crazy shit too.  But, we generally do not fear our police and as such we don't film everything and no one knows about the crazy shit we go through on a day-to-day basis.  

Because of our trust our legacy is lost.

If we fear more, we will record more.  If we record more we will see more of the bad shit that happens to others.  If we see more of this, we will fear more. 

I for one am investing in dashboard cameras.

The reason why I did it

I, like so many Canadians, watched the Superbowl last night.  It was amazing.  But, like other Canadians, I am now going to be arrested because I am going to have to try and kill the lead actress from CTV's "Motive".

Normally the commercials are the best part of the Superbowl. This is only true in America. In Canada, every second commercial was for Motive which was (as we were informed) airing after the Superbowl.

It started off ok.  There was an ad for Motive.  I was mildly intrigued.  Then the ad aired again.  And again.  And agian. 

Then there was a power outage during the game and the ad aired approximately 1000 more times.  It slowly drove me insane.  I begged the TV to stop.  But it just kept going.  It kept taunting me.   I slowly started to see that the show was secretly the work of the devil. 

As far as I can tell while other shows ask who, what, where and when - Motive dares to ask the question why?

So I have a couple why questions for it:

Why would you think that exploring motive is a new idea when literally every crime show does this already? I mean the whole ending of every show is always the explanation of why something happened.  Have you watched CSI? Law and Order?

Why would a cop not care about the who, what, where and how?  I suspect that real cops don't give a shit why something happens as long as they find out who did what to who. 

I purposefully left the channel on and waited for Motive to start and immediately turned it off the moment it came on so that whoever watches viewing habits would know that I disapprove.  

I suspect no one noticed. 

They were to busy learning from good commercials that only aired in America why God made farmers or learning about a goat who eats Doritos.  I didn't learn about any of those things.  I learned that Canadians make horrible shows and have horrible promos for them. 

Why am not surprised?

Our fine furry friends

I was reading the newspaper on my way to work yesterday and I read an article about the fight by Toronto parents to improve a local school by cleaning-up a raccoon infested portable where their children are taught.

This article made me realise what a sorry state our city is in.  No one is thinking about the bigger picture.  Everyone is so caught up in their own little lives that the larger point is being lost on them. 

These parents are looking to get rid of potentially the best thing that could ever have happened to them. 

You might at first blush think that having children share their learning space with a feral animal would be a bad thing.  Clearly, you know nothing about raccoons.

Now don't get me wrong.  I, unlike most people, do not think that raccoons are cute and cuddly.  I think they are evil spawns of the devil that must be eradicated.  I am at constant war with our neighbourhood raccoons over our green bin.  A war I am losing.

That said these raccoons could be a very good motivator.  Imagine your child is in the classroom with the raccoons (which will now be referred to as the coon house).  That teacher now has a powerful incentive for your child to perform well.  If you don't you are going to have your desk moved near the coon hole and may God have mercy on your soul.

Also, given that raccoons are nocturnal it also seems to be a natural solution to funding issues.  Rather than hire security staff we just populate our schools with raccoons and let them deal with any after hours issues for us.  Win Win.  Plus, I imagine that there will be a whole lot less clamouring for extra-curriculars.  I for one would want to get my child out of Dodge before the raccoons wake up and start searching for fresh children to munch on (raccoons will eat anything and I am sure over the years they will develop a taste for kindergartners).

The media is also all-over obesity in children.  What is a better incentive to get fit than avoiding being eaten by a large rat-faced creature?  Not only will our kids be fitter they will be instilled with a healthy fear for mother nature.

I am so sick of these helicopter parents bubble wrapping their kids and insisting that they never have to deal with real life issues like how to cross the street by themselves or the best way to fight-off a flesh crazed mammal who is consumed by blood lust and living in your classroom.  If our kids don't learn how to deal with such bullies now, how will they ever be able to stand up to Bob in accounting later down the line?

Now an added benefit for me would be that if the raccoons are in schools contentedly munching on textbooks, they will not be trying to eat my garbage.  That is not the reason I suggest this.  I am only thinking of your children.  Now, I suppose the raccoons might try and eat my kid when he goes to school, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  No need to worry about that right now. 

These parents are looking a gift-coon in its rabies-filled mouth.

Captive Audience

I got stuck on the TTC.   Again.  

This time there was a passenger alarm activated.  I don't know what that means, but it better have been serious because I once again sweated through another dress shirt.  At this rate I am going to need to invest in a new wardrobe or botox treatments. 

This time I tried to look on the bright side.  The delay meant I got to spend time with my fellow Torontonians.  I got to experience my fellow man.  Unfortunately, the fellow next to me was listening to his iPod way too loud and man did it cause me to want to strangle him.

In order to not strangle him, I proceeded to shuffle around until I was far enough away so I could hear myself think.  Lo and behold I was left in front of the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

It was an ad to help problem gamblers.  I stared at it in disbelief.  Let's see if you have the same reaction I did.

The ad is here (go take a look I will wait)

http://safeorsorry.ca/pdf/SafeorSorryPrintMaterials2012.pdf

So what was wrong with the ad?

First, it seems like a safe sex ad.  Is it not even clear that it is a problem gambling ad right away.  Why did they name it hearts?  That just further complicates things.  I mean who gambles on hearts?

But that is not why it is an idiotic ad.  I was able to figure out it was an ad for problem gambling.  Then I read the fine print on the bottom where it says "Take our quiz online for a chance at a home entertainment system."

So let me get this straight.  You want to reach a bunch of problem gamblers.  You presumably want to get them to realise that gambling is something they should consciously avoid.  So you lure them to your site by getting them to engage in a contest where they have a chance at winning a prize.  You get them to give up gambling by getting them to gamble.  Seriously?

Does Jenny Craig get people to sign up for diets by offering a discount for all members at KFC?

Maybe the theory is that the quiz will be like methadone for heroin users.  Or maybe the people behind preventing gambling are just stupid idiots.  I suspect it is the latter.

I started to look around me and realised that the TTC is the only place where I am forced to see ads.  With all the signal delays I am literally stuck looking at ads for hours at a time.  There is nothing I can do.  I can't fast forward, I can't switch the channel, I don't want to look my fellow man in the eye. 

I am truly a captive audience. 

One  would think that this should mean that the ads would be amazing.  The TTC should have Superbowl quality ads.  My morning commute should be a wonderful experience where I get the best that the ad world has to offer.

Instead, I get ads for non-profit entities which paradoxically probably serve to make the problem they are trying to solve worse.

It was too much for me.  It all hit me at once.  The ad was a microcosm of the world around  us where things are being done with no sense of purpose and no actual intent.  I cried out at the utter insanity of it all. 

No one noticed. 

The other passengers just continued to bob along to the music on their iPods, oblivious to the world around them. 
 

Stop the world I want to get off...

It appears that even getting home from work has now become a series of trials and tribulations.

Since October of 2012 they have been updating the elevators in my office building.  There are only 4 elevators, but the 'elevator improvement' project appears to be as involved as the preparation for the Olympics.  There are signs and construction everywhere and the security guard has been taking random drug samples from office workers (at least I assumed that is why he has been asking us for urine samples).

Last week, one elevator was finally upgraded and released for general use.  However, it looks exactly the same.  The only difference is that it has:

(i) a slightly different layout of buttons inside and;
(ii) it now refuses to stop at my floor. 

So cosmetically it is nicer, but functionally it is useless.  It is the New Coke of elevators.  The problem is that it is currently the only functioning elevator in the building. 

So last night I stood and waited....and waited... and waited. 

Finally it opened, but it was going up.  So I waited for it to come back down and it skipped my floor. 
I eventually caught it on the way back up the second time. 

I then hurry to get on the subway and am treated to the words every commuter longs to hear... we are experiencing signal difficulties.

I was of course outfitted in my winter Canada Goose jacket.  Ironically, my preparation for winter was to my detriment, because the TTC can't handle cold weather. 

Now for those uninitiated few who do not ride the TTC, there is a stretch of track between St. Clair and Davisville stations that experiences signal difficulties in the winter because the track in this stretch are outside and evidently the signals were not designed for cold weather.  I would have expected that this would have been thought about beforehand.

Engineer:  I think we should design the signals to work in cold weather.

TTC Guy:  Why? Its summer.

Engineer:  I think it will get cold in winter

TTC Guy:  Have you not heard of global warming?  I watched this documentary with Al Gore in it and he says that it will never be winter again.

Engineer:  I think it will nevertheless get cold.

TTC Guy: My recent investment in shares of Coppertone says otherwise.

I proceeded to sweat through my dress shirt as I stood in my own personal hot box for 40 minutes.

Why not take off my jacket you ask?  Well, my fine friend, the subway was packed because of the aforementioned signal delays and I could not raise my arms above my head.

When I got off the subway I was a mess and then had to walk several blocks through the freezing temperatures outside.  I am now inevitably going to die of the flu.

My tombstone will read:  Here lies Tim.  He died as he lived - covered in sweat and raging against the world.

Those Crazy Bulgarians

So I was surfing the Web when I came across this picture:



With the headline: "Who masterminded the failed attack on Bulgarian politician?"

I was like: "the head of the Bulgarian Society for the Legally Blind" or (BSLB to the uninitiated).  A gunman was  literally able to get up on stage point a gun to the head of this politician and the attack "failed".  What the hell happened? 

We are left with only one possible outcome.  The Bulgarian politician is a robot who was unable to be harmed from a straight-on bullet to the head.  He, like the Austrian Schwarzenegger, is a robot from the future sent back to either enslave or protect us for future robot warlords.

The newspaper story said that it was "a gas gun", but we know that the future all powerful robot warlords control the media.  I mean "gas gun"?  Really?  How gullible do they think we are?  I have never heard of a gas gun and I have heard of Robot Warlords (see "Terminator", "Terminator 2", Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" or "Short Circut"*)

(* If you really think Johnny 5 was a good robot you have not caught the undertones of evil that are contained in every act he performs.  Think about the way he says "John 5 still alive".  While he may not say "...to rape your women and destroy your civilization", it is certainly implied)

People we need to organise now - we must begin to stop the mechanical Belgians from recognizing their manifest destiny of control over us and every other biological thing on Earth.  We must now boycott:

Chocolate
Beer
Potato Fries
the Saxophone (invented by Adolphe Saxe)
Hercule Poirot

Who am I kidding?  While I might be able to avoid those things I could never, ever, ever resist the siren song of Tintin comics which were penned by a Belgian.

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

The Kids are (not) Alright

I was at a family function this weekend.  Family functions are the only place outside of pick-up basketball where I can connect with the youth of today.  My wife has 4 cousins all in the 17-24 age range and we usually sit and talk. 

It makes me feel old.  But it also makes me feel sad.

One cousin is taking courses at York in graphic design and she is taking an elective in "dance and culture".  I was excited to hear about this course as I know nothing about dance outside of watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and I was excited to learn vicariously through her.  So I asked her what she was learning. She told me she just started taking the class, but each week they watch a movie about dance and then they critique/discuss it as a class.  I was very excited.  That sounds like an amazing course. 

Until she told me about the first movie.  I will let you guess what it was. 

Was it "Top Hat" with Fred Astaire? "Singing in the Rain" with Gene Kelly?  "West Side Story" or "All that Jazz"?

No.  Guess again.

It was "Save the Last Dance".   I literally said, "Shut the Fuck Up".

"Save the Last Dance" is a horrible movie.  First (and most importantly) it stars Julia Stiles.  Seriously, she is the worst.  I know there is no rationale reason to hate her - but I do.

More than that the movie is the most contrived thing ever.  It is the tragic tale of a child whose mother dies while she is trying out for Julliard (and as I remember she falls in the audition at the exact same time her mother is killed by a drunk driver or something) forcing Ms. Stiles to go to an inner city school where she falls in love with this black guy who teaches her how to dance hip hop.  Said black guy then has to choose whether to be there for her new audition to Julliard or instead go rob a liquor store.  He chooses to support her and misses out on being arrested when the liquor store robbery goes south. 

Spoiler - the movie is less compelling than that one paragraph summary. 

If I was making that movie the black guy would go to the liquor store robbery and die and Julie Stiles would fall again in the audition this time somehow managing to breaking her ankle clean off her body and the movie would end with her broke and alone.  The postscript would be that this was the true to life tale of Abby Lee from "Dance Moms" as the Elton John classic "circle of life" plays quietly in the background.

So the movie is horrible - that is beyond question.  But this is a class about dance and culture.  I suspect that the dance scenes in "Save the Last Dance" are likewise horrible.  I can't imagine that they do any justice to street dancing or to ballet.  The fact that this is a 13 week class on dance and one week (or just under 10%) of the class is spent discussing "Save the Last Dance" is pathetic.

If I was in this class I think I might have some words with the professor. 

Professor:  Please turn to your syllabus.  Week one we will be studying "Save the Last Dance".  Feel free to study Ms. Stiles' characterisation in this and also her work in such other classics as "10 Things I Hate about You".

Me:  Um - you actually want me to watch Save the Last Dance? For the dancing?

Professor:  Yes - absolutely.  And this is just the beginning next week we will be watching "Dancing with Wolves".  It won the Oscar.  Pay careful attention to the beautiful Pas de Deux referenced in the title.

Me:  You do realise that just because a movie has dance in the title that it may not be about dance, right?

Professor:  Please refer to the syllabus entries:

• Week 3-5:  In-depth look at the "Step-up" series and whether it truly has stepped-up to the streets.
• Week 6: Dance sequels that surpass the original, including "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" in which  we will explore Cuban culture in dance. 
• Weeks 9-11: Critical analysis of "Bring It On" vs. "Bring It On Again" vs. "Bring It On: All or Nothing" vs. "Bring It On: In It to Win It" vs. "Bring It On: Fight to the Finish" and testing the hypothesis that the level to which it is broughten corresponds to the extent of Kristen Dunst in the movie. 
• Week 12: Field Trip.  Visit to local arcade to watch people play Dance Dance Revolution
• Week 13: Final assignment on homoerotic sub themes in "Magic Mike" 

Me: Am I being Punk'd.  Seriously, are you Aston Kutcher in a wig?

I seriously doubt I could participate in this course with a straight face.  I really hope this is not indicative of the level of education out there.  If it is Julia Stiles is this generation's Ginger Rogers.  

Our day of reckoning is upon us.  Save the last dance for the devil.

Do you hear the people sing.... the praises of a horrible movie

Over the holidays I went with my mother to see "Les Miserables".  Given the level of praise that the movie was receiving I figured I was going to come out of the movie with a new sense of the world.  I would maybe be so moved that I would become a priest and devote my life to God so that I too could change someone's life with the gift of a candlestick.  

Instead, it simply re-affirmed my belief that people are sheep.

Now before you just assume that, as a man, I am inclined to not like musicals and therefore cannot appreciate this gem of a movie you are simply wrong.  One of the things my mother and I would do together when I was a child is go see theater and I saw Les Miserables on stage when I was young and loved it.  I know all the words to every song.  I should be someone who is well-placed to appreciate the movie.

If it wasn't horrible.

First, the actors can't sing.  Hugh Jackman got eaten up and spit out by the part.   Amanda Seyfried as Cosette was awful.   Russell Crowe was passable, but hardly good.  Don't get me started on Sasha Baron Cohen.

But what about Anne Hathaway?  She was wonderful right?  Not so much.  Yes, the one shot of "dreamed a dream" was interesting, but it was not Oscar worthy and in my mind not even thought out properly.  The song is meant to be wistful and melancholy, but she played it as angry.  I even found it a little cliche.  I mean at one point she cried a single tear.  She should not be considered for an Oscar.  That song is the entirety of Fantine's role in Les Mis.  To give an Oscar for that would be worse than the Oscar to Dench (although I suppose the Queen never did both sell her teeth and whore herself out for cash)

So what about the acting?  See here is the thing.  Les Mis is not a well-written play.  It is the most cliched thing in existence.  Man (Jean Val Jean) steals loaf of bread to feed his sister's starving family.  He gets sent to jail for 19 years.  On serving his sentence he breaks his parole and is chased through the ages by an inspector.  He steals from a priest and is suddenly has a dramatic change of heart and finds god.  hijinks (and revolutions) ensue.  He never does anything wrong ever again - and is the paragon of virtue.  There is not a lot of nuance in playing Jean Val Jean.  You ask yourself what would Jesus do and then add the words "24601" . 

Now the story works in a musical because musical stories are largely unimportant.  Have you ever truly dissected the story of an opera?  It is like it is written by a 7 year-old.  Story is less important in a musical performed on stage because there is a sort of magic moment kind of thing that comes with a live actor performing in front of an audience where suspension of disbelief is much stronger.  

Movies do not have the same thing.  Let me illustrate with an example.  At some point the inspector realises that his pursuit of Jean Val Jean has been horrible and that Val Jean is a good man.  He then kills himself. 

(Aside: Remember I talked before about cliches and stupid story - this abrupt turn makes no sense.  The inspector has already moved heaven and earth to catch Val Jean and has been confronted time and time again by his virtue, but suddenly this time he just gives up and jumps of a bridge). 

In the play it is much more symbolic moment as there is a nice set piece where he "falls" and lights move all around him as he disappears off stage,  In the movie, he jumps like 1000 feet to his death into a gaping chasm and at the very end smashes his head on a rock retaining wall splattering like a watermelon.  In the play the scene "just" barely works as some sort of metaphor. In the movie the scene is so jaw-droppingly real that the realism snaps you up out of your seat and makes you realise how stupid the story is.

This is the problem with the entire movie.  Once you take the play away from the stage it ceases to work.  The ridiculousness of the script shines in the realism created.   Yet it continues to receive awards.

I must be missing something.

Or maybe something is missing in me. 

Maybe I am remembering something fondly from my childhood and have attached too much significance to it.  Maybe if I went and saw Les Mis for the first time on stage as an adult I would hate the stage production just as much.  Maybe this essay is a startling reminder that all of life is viewed through a vantage point that is continuously shifting each second as we grow, learn and experience while our perceptions of things is inherently rooted in the past and is a faulty gauge of empirical value.

Maybe.

Or maybe people are sheep

I had to come back...Hawaii 5-0 made me do it

Ok - so it has been a long time.  Yeah.  I know.  This is awkward in the same way that meeting a friend that you haven't seen in several years is awkward.  Neither one of you called, emailed or IMed (whatever that is).  You are not really friends anymore...but you still remember the good times.

So today is a lot like that.  Let's remember the good times.  Remember Chinese bun lady.  Remember Jesusween. 

I had to come back because I saw on television the end of entertainment as we know it.  It was a commercial for Hawaii 5-0.  

That's right - Hawaii 5-0.  I know, you don't watch it.  Nobody watches it - yet is is popular.  The only thing I know about it is it has Boomer and the "not Ari" agent from Entourage in it.  It is the epitome of meaningless. 

Until it changed the game.

This week Hawaii 5-0 is letting the audience vote on how an episode will end.  The vote is live.  Literally, they will start the episode and then open the voting and the audience will be able to decide which of three pre-determined endings will air. 

This is groundbreaking. 

We the mere viewers are now able to create content, just by voting.  This is truly revolutionary.  But not in the way you might think.

Stay with me - I have not gone insane.  I know this is a stupid show trying to hook you in.  I know none of the endings matter and that choosing between three pre-determined endings is no big deal. I know that this is show that already has signaled that it has no original ideas by not being original in the first place (as a reboot) and now can't even bother to make the creative decision on how an episode should end. 

But they have advertised the hell out of it.  They have said they will choose the ending that has the most votes. 

They have made a mistake.  They have given us an out.

I have one small request for 2013.  No one votes for Hawaii 5-0.  If we don't vote they can't air anything.  They will have to cancel the show.   That is the rule.  If they let the audience decide we can decide that we don't want anything.

Now I know we could have done that anyway by not watching.  But let's be honest.  If it is on TV we will watch.  What we can refuse to do is actively participate in Hawaii 5-0.  We can do that much. 

This could be the precedent setter.  We can make our stand here.  If we don't vote for this then maybe they won't run "the Voice" anymore.  Eventually, if we all stop voting on TV they will not run those annoying little lines on the American presidential debates to gauge public reaction. 

Let us all stand together in apathy and do nothing. 

I have always had a dream.  I wish that I would go to a sold out show of Peter Pan.  The play would go as normal until Tinker Bell dies and Peter Pan turns to the audience and asks the audience to say "I believe in fairies" to bring her back to life.  The theater is hushed and quiet, caught up in the 4th wall breaking enormity of the moment, until a small boy no more than six stands on his seat.  He is wearing pajamas because he is going to fall asleep in the car on the way home.  He is holding a teddy bear.  The audience turns to see him and he says in his falsetto wavering voice:

"let the bitch die". 

I don't believe in fairies and I don't believe in Hawaii 5-0.  Let it die.

Welcome to the Carnivale

So I am currently watching Carnivale on DVD.  It is part of my catching up on those series that I missed the first time round.  As you know I watch as I ride the GO train to work each day.

As an aside, I always wanted to take a course where I read all the books I am supposed to have read in my life.  I have never read the so-called classics such as "To Kill a Mockingbird".  I am a lawyer and was at a conference where a lawyer talked for 1 hour about how all lawyers should base themselves on the lawyer in the book.  She started with the words... "I do not have to tell you the plot because I am sure everyone in here has read it and if you haven't you should leave now."  I wanted to just get up and leave... but thought that probably was a bad idea for my professional career.  The thing is, I could probably carry on a conversation about the book (as I know the details and the meaning in the Jeopardic  sense).

Double aside... "In a Jeopardic sense" is a term I have just now invented to describe the fact that I can answer questions about a subject without knowing anything real about it.  The list of things that this covers ranges from books to spirituality.  I know enough about a lot of things that I can seemingly converse about them without actually knowing anything about them in any meaningful way.  Interestingly, is a learned skill.  A lot of people would say that is bad.  I think that it is a sign of the times.  Our current lives elevate the trivial over the wise.  I embrace this fully. 

I'll take "They said it on TMZ" for two hundred, Alex.

It seems to me that in many ways television series are what books used to be.  We all converse about them.  Did you see the new Game of Thrones? What do you think about the season finale for Walking Dead?  I can't believe Snooki is pregnant! Very few people want to converse about the Art of Fielding.  Unless it is being turned into a movie.  Or it involves a vampire/love triangle/Steve Jobs.  Any of those things and all bets are off. 

I am trying to become a Rhodes Scholar of the cablebox. 

Which leads me back to Carnivle.  It is a very interesting little series.  It is slow as molasses in one sense, but playing with very large themes with huge implications.  It is all about a carnival during the depression, where two individuals have been chosen to be the avatars of evil and good.  I do not know where it is going but it has been interesting so far.  It reminds me of a weird mix of Lost, Heroes and Twin Peaks. 

I am just at the beginning and the show is making me think there is some larger story to tell.

But that larger story is not going to be told.  I know the show gets cancelled after the second season on a cliff hanger.  So I am watching a series I know will ultimately have no pay-off.  That said I am watching a series that I know will not end with disappointment.  I kind of wish that had happened with Heroes. If there were no second season it would have just ceased to exist and I could remember it fondly for what it was going to be rather than the utter mess it turned into.

As they say - "it is better to be silent and let people assume you are stupid, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt".  If the show never ends - then there can be no argument that there was no ending to the show.  That seems pretty profound to me.  Maybe I am wise after all.  
I am on a Go train trip to nowhere and I am enjoying the ride. 

For my loyal (non-familial) reader...

So yeah I realise its been a while...

It has been a crazy couple of weeks of work-filled wonder.   Actually strike that.  I am not a Disney Imagineer and as such my job does not involve much wonder.  It involves work.  Lots of it lately.  Because of this my posting has suffered.  I apologise.

I was brought out of my non-posting ways by a reader of this blog who is not my direct family.  He reads loyally and even seems to be watching the TV shows I have recommended (American Horror Story for the win - which by the way is back with a twist.  Jessica Lange will be the main character this time with Zachery Q as her nemesis but they are not playing the same characters they played in the first season.  Is this the first time there has been a season two with the same actors now playing different characters.  Is that going to mess people up? Debate amongst yourselves.  I think the answer is clear - they will both be evil twins of their first season characters to add to the soap operay goodness that is American Horror Story).

Anyways...in honour of this reader I want to say I am back and will be posting more regularly.  

Today's topic:  Kids = plague rats. 

Now I love my son.  He is just starting to walk and talk.  He is awfully cute.  But he is without a doubt patient zero for the plague.  Before he was born I would never get sick.  I was a super-human.  I looked down at those who got sick and prided myself on my amazing tolerance to what felled the 'weaker' ones.  Little did I know that these 'weaker' people were simply parents. 

You see since my son has been born I have been taken down twice with what I can only describe as the plague.  This may be aided by the fact that he thinks everything is a popsicle to be licked. 

This weekend I was minding my own business and shopping with my wife at Winners when suddenly I felt that I shouldn't be at Winners anymore.  I was shaking and nauseous.  We left soon after that.  The rest of the day was not very good.  All of this I am sure is from my little son who the day before had had a little bit of a stomach virus. 

I think the better weapon of mass destruction is a squadron of two year olds holding out their jammy hands and advancing on an unsuspecting population to hug and kiss them while silently dispatching opposition with their adorable viruses.

All this got me to thinking that Dalton McGuinty is really an ass.  Recently, he has been calling on teachers to take a pay freeze and give up other entitlements in order to do their part to achieve fiscal responsibility and keep full-day kindergarten.  I think this is a bad idea for all sorts of reasons.  However, it occurred to me that it is also not recognizing the full danger we put our teachers in.

You see, one of the things that he is saying should be taken away is the amount of sick days that teachers get.  After experiencing what my singular son gave me I can't imagine what it is that teachers get from an army of 24 kids (or I guess now 26 kids since we are also raising class sizes). 

It is a wonder that they do not get hazard pay. 

Honestly, teachers may be important in that they teach the next generation (and all that good stuff), but we can't forget what kindergarten really is.  It is the front line in an ongoing battle of biological warfare.  Taking away sick days is equivalent to taking away a bullet proof vest from a soldier and sending him off into war.  

After having experienced it for myself, I for one am not begrudging teachers their sick days.  

For those that do, I think my son wants to give you a big kiss!

Why Canada is now the United States

Our conservative government has tabled legislation that is aimed at stopping child pornography.  Part of this law would require ISPs to cache information that could later be called upon by police (in some cases without a warrant) to track online activity with the intent of stopping child pornography.

This raised some issues with privacy.  In defending the bill Vic Toews (Safety Minister) told a liberal MP that you are either with the government or with child pornographers. 

My friends we have officially become the United States.   One may remember after 9/11 that any attempt to question whether the new regime was a good thing was met with the refrain - "your either with us or with the terrorists". Now I think that child pornographers are probably more reviled than terrorists by most people so maybe Canada is in fact now worse than the United States. 

I want to take a moment to think about what is going on here for a minute.  We are going to ask Internet Service Providers to cache all of our online activity (including financial information, bill payments, private communications) so that if necessary the police can view it.  Am I the only one who sees a big glaring problem with that?  Rogers can't get my cable bill right two months in a row - but they are going to keep my information secure?  What about hackers?  Seems like a little problem to me.

Also, what about just respecting my privacy.  All I hear from people defending this is that child pornography is bad and if I don;t have anything to fear why would I object to the information being kept.  This is the stupidest argument I have ever heard.  Guess who else makes that argument - police states.  The point is not that I have to justify why I deserve privacy.  The norm is privacy.  In order to get a warrant there is a requirement on the police to justify why they need to disrupt this norm.  To put it another way - why have any requirements for warrants, or due process or even curtains.  You have nothing to hide right?

Have we forgotten the G20? 

By making it a binary choice between giving up right to privacy and "siding with the child pornographers" the conservative government has made it so that law abiding citizens have to take sides in a fictional debate.

Itis exactly what George Bush did during his term. 

The real consequences of global warming.

I was watching the Superbowl on Sunday and one of the highlights for me besides the game and the food is the commercials.  Even in Canada we get new commercials. 

Although I don't get to see the one where Clint Eastwood's tells America that the current economic crisis is halftime and they need to rally in the second half.  If the current economic crisis is halftime, isn't it likely that by the end of the game (which I can only assume is the Rapture) the other team (who I can only assume are the terrorists/bankers) have ended any doubt and have turned a large halftime lead into a bone-crushing victory.  God may want you on that floor, but real life miracle comebacks are few and far between.

That said we did get a new commercial for a car.  The commercial features a polar bear walking through the streets until it comes upon a man and rears up.... only to give him a big hug.  Because (you see) he is driving an electric car.  Electric cars are good for the environment and thus the polar bears love you if you drive one. 

This seems somewhat unrealistic to me.

I think we should all think about this from the polar bear's point of view.  First off, these annoying humans are heating the planet leaving me and my friends trapped on rapidly shrinking ice floes.  Then they get all up in our business and are always filming promo ads/documentaries.  Then they co-op our identity to sell cars (with the vast majority of the models that are sold adding to the fact that the ice floes are melting).

If I am a polar bear, I am not hugging anyone.

Instead, I am mauling the shit out of every human I see.  That commercial would have been so much better if the polar bear rose up and proceeded to eat the car driver.  Then the words "Brought to you by Polar Bears - we will kill you. P.S. we drink Pepsi."

I think we are on the verge of animals restoring order to the world. We all need to be vigilant.  The signs are there.

Last year, a whale took out its trainer at sea world: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyZqq_1hXus.  The sheriff says no indication of foul play.  The whale is LITERALLY a killer whale.  The cops really need to get there act together on this.  I for one am constantly watching my back for the ever present threat of a whale jumping out and squashing me.

If the whales no longer want to jump through hoops and the police won't protect us, we need to take matters into our own hands.

I for one will be watching the squirrels in my neighbourhood very carefully.  They are clearly the masterminds of the coming revolution.

Only Wu can prevent racism.

I am now finished American Horror Story season 1, Louie Season 2 and It’s Always Sunny In Philly, Season 7. 

Quick hits:

American Horror Story:  It is so cheesy, but so good.  I literally tried to explain what it was about to my wife’s best friend and my description of the plot was like something out of an 8 year old’s mouth.  There’s this house and its haunted.  There are ghosts, but you don’t know what the ghosts are at the beginning.  There’s this maid who is a ghost, but they don’t know she’s a ghost and she looks both young and old.  Oh and there’s other dead people too and they can’t leave the house and there’s this thing with babies and Satan and the black Dalia and murals and gazebos and cheating... It was agreed it was more fun to have me try and explain it then to actually watch it.  I kept on saying it was all very clear when you were watching.  In retrospect it probably wasn’t.  But it was good scary fun.

Louie Season 2:  This is my new favorite show.  Louie C.K. basically said to FX give me way less than other people get for a show.  But – here’s the caveat... I get to give you the show and you don’t get to change anything.  The result is a very personal show that when it works is amazing.  It reminds very much of Woody Allen at times in that it is very surreal.  Plus the stand up is awesome in the show.  This show is a can’t miss. 

AWSIP7: Solid.  Never fails to make me laugh.  I appreciated that Mac actually gained 50-60 pounds just so his character could gain “mass”.  That is commitment. 

Now I am back to Deadwood Season 2 which I abandoned mid watch to watch these.  Something about Deadwood is making hard for me to finish.  It is good, but it is uninteresting.  Except for Wu.  He is the best.  Wu is literally the head Asian in an old west town on the lawless frontier sometime in the past (the fact that I can’t even give you a decade shows you that I am not your phone a friend when it comes to history).

Wu works as a butcher of pigs and has a relationship with the saloon owner (Al Sweringer) where he literally serves as the disposal outlet for the dead bodies that pile up at the saloon.  They are fed to Wu’s pigs.  The awesome thing about Wu is he actively tries to communicate with Sweringer about what is going on in the camp when he learns information about what people are planning.  The only English words he knows are Sweringer, Wu and Cocksucker.  The scenes between the two are hilarious because both earnestly try to communicate but often there are misunderstandings.

One such misunderstanding has to do with Sweringer trying to understand why there are suddenly other Asians in the camp (they are working for a rival saloon owner).  Wu knows they are there, but can’t communicate it to Sweringer very well.  Sweringer wants to understand what “juice” the Asian has (i.e. what backing he has).  Wu thinks he means Jews and hijinks ensue.   The scene might be one of the more offensive scenes on TV as it simultaneously offends both Asians, Jews and I guess women (as I think one of the people being eaten by the pigs is a whore who was killed for no reason).   That being said this was America circa I don’t know (see above).  I imagine that this level of racism is probably historically accurate. 

It does remind me of my interactions with my some of my wife’s family.   My wife’s grandparents consists of me smiling waving and them saying Tiiiiiiiiiiim and nodding.  Evidently my name sounds like “wealthy” which is good luck and the totality of our communication.  I sometimes broaden our communication by naming dim sum items in Chinese.  

I sometimes wish that I had a need to communicate with them like Wu and Sweringer have because then we would get to know each other better. 

I would also learn whether the barbecued pork they bring for dinner comes from man-eating pigs.

Maybe ignorance is bliss.