So Ontario is updating its sex education curriculum.
Predictably, parents marched on Queen's Park to protest the fact that government was interfering too much in the role of parents and should not take over their responsibility. According to the Toronto Star parents had issues with the following items [My imagined placards for the protest in brackets]:
- Grade 1 - learning proper names of your body [Pee Pee 4 Life]
- Grade 3- learning about same-sex relationships [Everyone is Awesome ...except "you" people over there, but I am not homophobic. I have lots of gay friends. I just prefer that my child doesn't learn anything about them or that they are deserving of equal treatment. I mean I believe in teaching people about equality of race, religion and all that. But come on this is a bridge too far. I mean we can't teach our children to respect gay people because that would be undermine my marriage. Why you ask? Um....well... I would love to answer that, but my hand is getting tired from holding this giant sign]
- Grade 6 - answering (when prompted) about masturbation [Don't ask. Don't touch]
- Grade 7 - learning that anal and oral sex also carries a risk of STDs [What I don't want to know can't hurt me]
Now I know you may think from my acerbic tone that I do not agree with the parents. You would be wrong.
Now I do believe that sex education is like math and all our children should have basic rudimentary understanding of certain things. All our children should know that 1+1 might equal 3 if we don't plan ahead, that the square root of 4761 can be fantastic and the answer to the age old brain teaser:
"If train A leaves Dorset station at 9:00 pm going east at 72 mph and Train B leaves Avon Station at 9:30 going west at 86 mph, what is the failure rate of the condom worn by the couple doing it in the dining car washroom?"
However, the parents are right that the government has no place educating our children about sex. I mean have you seen our math scores (proven by the fact that you didn't know that the square root of 4761 is 69).
I propose a more elegant solution. Think of it as a more formalized "learn it from the schoolyards".
Each young child will be paired with an older student who has experienced "it" before. By "it" I mean that thing that you do when you like like a person. This will be an updated "reading buddy" program. I call it "sex buddies", but agree that the name could use a little work.
My program has several elements. Each is critical to its success.
First, the match will be totally random. It will essentially be luck of the draw. We might pair a homosexual youth with the most bigoted homophobe out there. This would inevitably lead to a healthy debate where each side feels their views are being heard and respected. Or potentially suicide.
Second, there will be no formal education for anyone in the buddy program. We won't ensure that the buddy knows anything about sexual transmitted diseases, the concept of consent, sexting or anything else of substance. The only important point is that they are older. We won't even check to make sure that they believe in equality of sexes or sexual orientation. All of that stuff will just sort itself out in the wash.
Third, we won't schedule any actual meetings and we won't monitor the program effectiveness at all. We want this to be an organic thing. Now I know you may be worried that this may lead to no actual meetings. I trust that the buddies will be really excited to discuss this thing that they may be ashamed to talk about.
Finally, there will be no accountability. No one will be able to ask anything of anyone involved in the program because it is none of our business. It is purely between the child and their buddy.
Essentially, my program will ensure that our children's knowledge of a critical part of life (and the cause of many potential problems in adolescence) will be taught to them by someone with no formal training, with potentially all kinds of bias and with no oversight by anyone.
Now I know you may think that this program is essentially the same as having the parent teach the child, but my program is better. I mean talking with your child about sex... awkward. If only there were educated professionals who were trained to teach our kids about important things in a manner that fostered learning and inclusiveness with regulated oversight. But we don't live in such a wonderful utopia. We have to deal with the real world.
I mean it worked for us, so it will work for our kids, right? Anyways, if it didn't work for us it won't matter. Without formalized sex-education we will be the ones teaching our children all of our failings and misinformation. This is the circular logic of life.
Just don't blame the internet, MTV or society when your child gets a sexual transmitted disease because they didn't know how to prevent it.
You only have yourself to blame.
