Our fine furry friends

I was reading the newspaper on my way to work yesterday and I read an article about the fight by Toronto parents to improve a local school by cleaning-up a raccoon infested portable where their children are taught.

This article made me realise what a sorry state our city is in.  No one is thinking about the bigger picture.  Everyone is so caught up in their own little lives that the larger point is being lost on them. 

These parents are looking to get rid of potentially the best thing that could ever have happened to them. 

You might at first blush think that having children share their learning space with a feral animal would be a bad thing.  Clearly, you know nothing about raccoons.

Now don't get me wrong.  I, unlike most people, do not think that raccoons are cute and cuddly.  I think they are evil spawns of the devil that must be eradicated.  I am at constant war with our neighbourhood raccoons over our green bin.  A war I am losing.

That said these raccoons could be a very good motivator.  Imagine your child is in the classroom with the raccoons (which will now be referred to as the coon house).  That teacher now has a powerful incentive for your child to perform well.  If you don't you are going to have your desk moved near the coon hole and may God have mercy on your soul.

Also, given that raccoons are nocturnal it also seems to be a natural solution to funding issues.  Rather than hire security staff we just populate our schools with raccoons and let them deal with any after hours issues for us.  Win Win.  Plus, I imagine that there will be a whole lot less clamouring for extra-curriculars.  I for one would want to get my child out of Dodge before the raccoons wake up and start searching for fresh children to munch on (raccoons will eat anything and I am sure over the years they will develop a taste for kindergartners).

The media is also all-over obesity in children.  What is a better incentive to get fit than avoiding being eaten by a large rat-faced creature?  Not only will our kids be fitter they will be instilled with a healthy fear for mother nature.

I am so sick of these helicopter parents bubble wrapping their kids and insisting that they never have to deal with real life issues like how to cross the street by themselves or the best way to fight-off a flesh crazed mammal who is consumed by blood lust and living in your classroom.  If our kids don't learn how to deal with such bullies now, how will they ever be able to stand up to Bob in accounting later down the line?

Now an added benefit for me would be that if the raccoons are in schools contentedly munching on textbooks, they will not be trying to eat my garbage.  That is not the reason I suggest this.  I am only thinking of your children.  Now, I suppose the raccoons might try and eat my kid when he goes to school, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  No need to worry about that right now. 

These parents are looking a gift-coon in its rabies-filled mouth.

Captive Audience

I got stuck on the TTC.   Again.  

This time there was a passenger alarm activated.  I don't know what that means, but it better have been serious because I once again sweated through another dress shirt.  At this rate I am going to need to invest in a new wardrobe or botox treatments. 

This time I tried to look on the bright side.  The delay meant I got to spend time with my fellow Torontonians.  I got to experience my fellow man.  Unfortunately, the fellow next to me was listening to his iPod way too loud and man did it cause me to want to strangle him.

In order to not strangle him, I proceeded to shuffle around until I was far enough away so I could hear myself think.  Lo and behold I was left in front of the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

It was an ad to help problem gamblers.  I stared at it in disbelief.  Let's see if you have the same reaction I did.

The ad is here (go take a look I will wait)

http://safeorsorry.ca/pdf/SafeorSorryPrintMaterials2012.pdf

So what was wrong with the ad?

First, it seems like a safe sex ad.  Is it not even clear that it is a problem gambling ad right away.  Why did they name it hearts?  That just further complicates things.  I mean who gambles on hearts?

But that is not why it is an idiotic ad.  I was able to figure out it was an ad for problem gambling.  Then I read the fine print on the bottom where it says "Take our quiz online for a chance at a home entertainment system."

So let me get this straight.  You want to reach a bunch of problem gamblers.  You presumably want to get them to realise that gambling is something they should consciously avoid.  So you lure them to your site by getting them to engage in a contest where they have a chance at winning a prize.  You get them to give up gambling by getting them to gamble.  Seriously?

Does Jenny Craig get people to sign up for diets by offering a discount for all members at KFC?

Maybe the theory is that the quiz will be like methadone for heroin users.  Or maybe the people behind preventing gambling are just stupid idiots.  I suspect it is the latter.

I started to look around me and realised that the TTC is the only place where I am forced to see ads.  With all the signal delays I am literally stuck looking at ads for hours at a time.  There is nothing I can do.  I can't fast forward, I can't switch the channel, I don't want to look my fellow man in the eye. 

I am truly a captive audience. 

One  would think that this should mean that the ads would be amazing.  The TTC should have Superbowl quality ads.  My morning commute should be a wonderful experience where I get the best that the ad world has to offer.

Instead, I get ads for non-profit entities which paradoxically probably serve to make the problem they are trying to solve worse.

It was too much for me.  It all hit me at once.  The ad was a microcosm of the world around  us where things are being done with no sense of purpose and no actual intent.  I cried out at the utter insanity of it all. 

No one noticed. 

The other passengers just continued to bob along to the music on their iPods, oblivious to the world around them. 
 

Stop the world I want to get off...

It appears that even getting home from work has now become a series of trials and tribulations.

Since October of 2012 they have been updating the elevators in my office building.  There are only 4 elevators, but the 'elevator improvement' project appears to be as involved as the preparation for the Olympics.  There are signs and construction everywhere and the security guard has been taking random drug samples from office workers (at least I assumed that is why he has been asking us for urine samples).

Last week, one elevator was finally upgraded and released for general use.  However, it looks exactly the same.  The only difference is that it has:

(i) a slightly different layout of buttons inside and;
(ii) it now refuses to stop at my floor. 

So cosmetically it is nicer, but functionally it is useless.  It is the New Coke of elevators.  The problem is that it is currently the only functioning elevator in the building. 

So last night I stood and waited....and waited... and waited. 

Finally it opened, but it was going up.  So I waited for it to come back down and it skipped my floor. 
I eventually caught it on the way back up the second time. 

I then hurry to get on the subway and am treated to the words every commuter longs to hear... we are experiencing signal difficulties.

I was of course outfitted in my winter Canada Goose jacket.  Ironically, my preparation for winter was to my detriment, because the TTC can't handle cold weather. 

Now for those uninitiated few who do not ride the TTC, there is a stretch of track between St. Clair and Davisville stations that experiences signal difficulties in the winter because the track in this stretch are outside and evidently the signals were not designed for cold weather.  I would have expected that this would have been thought about beforehand.

Engineer:  I think we should design the signals to work in cold weather.

TTC Guy:  Why? Its summer.

Engineer:  I think it will get cold in winter

TTC Guy:  Have you not heard of global warming?  I watched this documentary with Al Gore in it and he says that it will never be winter again.

Engineer:  I think it will nevertheless get cold.

TTC Guy: My recent investment in shares of Coppertone says otherwise.

I proceeded to sweat through my dress shirt as I stood in my own personal hot box for 40 minutes.

Why not take off my jacket you ask?  Well, my fine friend, the subway was packed because of the aforementioned signal delays and I could not raise my arms above my head.

When I got off the subway I was a mess and then had to walk several blocks through the freezing temperatures outside.  I am now inevitably going to die of the flu.

My tombstone will read:  Here lies Tim.  He died as he lived - covered in sweat and raging against the world.

Those Crazy Bulgarians

So I was surfing the Web when I came across this picture:



With the headline: "Who masterminded the failed attack on Bulgarian politician?"

I was like: "the head of the Bulgarian Society for the Legally Blind" or (BSLB to the uninitiated).  A gunman was  literally able to get up on stage point a gun to the head of this politician and the attack "failed".  What the hell happened? 

We are left with only one possible outcome.  The Bulgarian politician is a robot who was unable to be harmed from a straight-on bullet to the head.  He, like the Austrian Schwarzenegger, is a robot from the future sent back to either enslave or protect us for future robot warlords.

The newspaper story said that it was "a gas gun", but we know that the future all powerful robot warlords control the media.  I mean "gas gun"?  Really?  How gullible do they think we are?  I have never heard of a gas gun and I have heard of Robot Warlords (see "Terminator", "Terminator 2", Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines" or "Short Circut"*)

(* If you really think Johnny 5 was a good robot you have not caught the undertones of evil that are contained in every act he performs.  Think about the way he says "John 5 still alive".  While he may not say "...to rape your women and destroy your civilization", it is certainly implied)

People we need to organise now - we must begin to stop the mechanical Belgians from recognizing their manifest destiny of control over us and every other biological thing on Earth.  We must now boycott:

Chocolate
Beer
Potato Fries
the Saxophone (invented by Adolphe Saxe)
Hercule Poirot

Who am I kidding?  While I might be able to avoid those things I could never, ever, ever resist the siren song of Tintin comics which were penned by a Belgian.

I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

The Kids are (not) Alright

I was at a family function this weekend.  Family functions are the only place outside of pick-up basketball where I can connect with the youth of today.  My wife has 4 cousins all in the 17-24 age range and we usually sit and talk. 

It makes me feel old.  But it also makes me feel sad.

One cousin is taking courses at York in graphic design and she is taking an elective in "dance and culture".  I was excited to hear about this course as I know nothing about dance outside of watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and I was excited to learn vicariously through her.  So I asked her what she was learning. She told me she just started taking the class, but each week they watch a movie about dance and then they critique/discuss it as a class.  I was very excited.  That sounds like an amazing course. 

Until she told me about the first movie.  I will let you guess what it was. 

Was it "Top Hat" with Fred Astaire? "Singing in the Rain" with Gene Kelly?  "West Side Story" or "All that Jazz"?

No.  Guess again.

It was "Save the Last Dance".   I literally said, "Shut the Fuck Up".

"Save the Last Dance" is a horrible movie.  First (and most importantly) it stars Julia Stiles.  Seriously, she is the worst.  I know there is no rationale reason to hate her - but I do.

More than that the movie is the most contrived thing ever.  It is the tragic tale of a child whose mother dies while she is trying out for Julliard (and as I remember she falls in the audition at the exact same time her mother is killed by a drunk driver or something) forcing Ms. Stiles to go to an inner city school where she falls in love with this black guy who teaches her how to dance hip hop.  Said black guy then has to choose whether to be there for her new audition to Julliard or instead go rob a liquor store.  He chooses to support her and misses out on being arrested when the liquor store robbery goes south. 

Spoiler - the movie is less compelling than that one paragraph summary. 

If I was making that movie the black guy would go to the liquor store robbery and die and Julie Stiles would fall again in the audition this time somehow managing to breaking her ankle clean off her body and the movie would end with her broke and alone.  The postscript would be that this was the true to life tale of Abby Lee from "Dance Moms" as the Elton John classic "circle of life" plays quietly in the background.

So the movie is horrible - that is beyond question.  But this is a class about dance and culture.  I suspect that the dance scenes in "Save the Last Dance" are likewise horrible.  I can't imagine that they do any justice to street dancing or to ballet.  The fact that this is a 13 week class on dance and one week (or just under 10%) of the class is spent discussing "Save the Last Dance" is pathetic.

If I was in this class I think I might have some words with the professor. 

Professor:  Please turn to your syllabus.  Week one we will be studying "Save the Last Dance".  Feel free to study Ms. Stiles' characterisation in this and also her work in such other classics as "10 Things I Hate about You".

Me:  Um - you actually want me to watch Save the Last Dance? For the dancing?

Professor:  Yes - absolutely.  And this is just the beginning next week we will be watching "Dancing with Wolves".  It won the Oscar.  Pay careful attention to the beautiful Pas de Deux referenced in the title.

Me:  You do realise that just because a movie has dance in the title that it may not be about dance, right?

Professor:  Please refer to the syllabus entries:

• Week 3-5:  In-depth look at the "Step-up" series and whether it truly has stepped-up to the streets.
• Week 6: Dance sequels that surpass the original, including "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" in which  we will explore Cuban culture in dance. 
• Weeks 9-11: Critical analysis of "Bring It On" vs. "Bring It On Again" vs. "Bring It On: All or Nothing" vs. "Bring It On: In It to Win It" vs. "Bring It On: Fight to the Finish" and testing the hypothesis that the level to which it is broughten corresponds to the extent of Kristen Dunst in the movie. 
• Week 12: Field Trip.  Visit to local arcade to watch people play Dance Dance Revolution
• Week 13: Final assignment on homoerotic sub themes in "Magic Mike" 

Me: Am I being Punk'd.  Seriously, are you Aston Kutcher in a wig?

I seriously doubt I could participate in this course with a straight face.  I really hope this is not indicative of the level of education out there.  If it is Julia Stiles is this generation's Ginger Rogers.  

Our day of reckoning is upon us.  Save the last dance for the devil.

Do you hear the people sing.... the praises of a horrible movie

Over the holidays I went with my mother to see "Les Miserables".  Given the level of praise that the movie was receiving I figured I was going to come out of the movie with a new sense of the world.  I would maybe be so moved that I would become a priest and devote my life to God so that I too could change someone's life with the gift of a candlestick.  

Instead, it simply re-affirmed my belief that people are sheep.

Now before you just assume that, as a man, I am inclined to not like musicals and therefore cannot appreciate this gem of a movie you are simply wrong.  One of the things my mother and I would do together when I was a child is go see theater and I saw Les Miserables on stage when I was young and loved it.  I know all the words to every song.  I should be someone who is well-placed to appreciate the movie.

If it wasn't horrible.

First, the actors can't sing.  Hugh Jackman got eaten up and spit out by the part.   Amanda Seyfried as Cosette was awful.   Russell Crowe was passable, but hardly good.  Don't get me started on Sasha Baron Cohen.

But what about Anne Hathaway?  She was wonderful right?  Not so much.  Yes, the one shot of "dreamed a dream" was interesting, but it was not Oscar worthy and in my mind not even thought out properly.  The song is meant to be wistful and melancholy, but she played it as angry.  I even found it a little cliche.  I mean at one point she cried a single tear.  She should not be considered for an Oscar.  That song is the entirety of Fantine's role in Les Mis.  To give an Oscar for that would be worse than the Oscar to Dench (although I suppose the Queen never did both sell her teeth and whore herself out for cash)

So what about the acting?  See here is the thing.  Les Mis is not a well-written play.  It is the most cliched thing in existence.  Man (Jean Val Jean) steals loaf of bread to feed his sister's starving family.  He gets sent to jail for 19 years.  On serving his sentence he breaks his parole and is chased through the ages by an inspector.  He steals from a priest and is suddenly has a dramatic change of heart and finds god.  hijinks (and revolutions) ensue.  He never does anything wrong ever again - and is the paragon of virtue.  There is not a lot of nuance in playing Jean Val Jean.  You ask yourself what would Jesus do and then add the words "24601" . 

Now the story works in a musical because musical stories are largely unimportant.  Have you ever truly dissected the story of an opera?  It is like it is written by a 7 year-old.  Story is less important in a musical performed on stage because there is a sort of magic moment kind of thing that comes with a live actor performing in front of an audience where suspension of disbelief is much stronger.  

Movies do not have the same thing.  Let me illustrate with an example.  At some point the inspector realises that his pursuit of Jean Val Jean has been horrible and that Val Jean is a good man.  He then kills himself. 

(Aside: Remember I talked before about cliches and stupid story - this abrupt turn makes no sense.  The inspector has already moved heaven and earth to catch Val Jean and has been confronted time and time again by his virtue, but suddenly this time he just gives up and jumps of a bridge). 

In the play it is much more symbolic moment as there is a nice set piece where he "falls" and lights move all around him as he disappears off stage,  In the movie, he jumps like 1000 feet to his death into a gaping chasm and at the very end smashes his head on a rock retaining wall splattering like a watermelon.  In the play the scene "just" barely works as some sort of metaphor. In the movie the scene is so jaw-droppingly real that the realism snaps you up out of your seat and makes you realise how stupid the story is.

This is the problem with the entire movie.  Once you take the play away from the stage it ceases to work.  The ridiculousness of the script shines in the realism created.   Yet it continues to receive awards.

I must be missing something.

Or maybe something is missing in me. 

Maybe I am remembering something fondly from my childhood and have attached too much significance to it.  Maybe if I went and saw Les Mis for the first time on stage as an adult I would hate the stage production just as much.  Maybe this essay is a startling reminder that all of life is viewed through a vantage point that is continuously shifting each second as we grow, learn and experience while our perceptions of things is inherently rooted in the past and is a faulty gauge of empirical value.

Maybe.

Or maybe people are sheep

I had to come back...Hawaii 5-0 made me do it

Ok - so it has been a long time.  Yeah.  I know.  This is awkward in the same way that meeting a friend that you haven't seen in several years is awkward.  Neither one of you called, emailed or IMed (whatever that is).  You are not really friends anymore...but you still remember the good times.

So today is a lot like that.  Let's remember the good times.  Remember Chinese bun lady.  Remember Jesusween. 

I had to come back because I saw on television the end of entertainment as we know it.  It was a commercial for Hawaii 5-0.  

That's right - Hawaii 5-0.  I know, you don't watch it.  Nobody watches it - yet is is popular.  The only thing I know about it is it has Boomer and the "not Ari" agent from Entourage in it.  It is the epitome of meaningless. 

Until it changed the game.

This week Hawaii 5-0 is letting the audience vote on how an episode will end.  The vote is live.  Literally, they will start the episode and then open the voting and the audience will be able to decide which of three pre-determined endings will air. 

This is groundbreaking. 

We the mere viewers are now able to create content, just by voting.  This is truly revolutionary.  But not in the way you might think.

Stay with me - I have not gone insane.  I know this is a stupid show trying to hook you in.  I know none of the endings matter and that choosing between three pre-determined endings is no big deal. I know that this is show that already has signaled that it has no original ideas by not being original in the first place (as a reboot) and now can't even bother to make the creative decision on how an episode should end. 

But they have advertised the hell out of it.  They have said they will choose the ending that has the most votes. 

They have made a mistake.  They have given us an out.

I have one small request for 2013.  No one votes for Hawaii 5-0.  If we don't vote they can't air anything.  They will have to cancel the show.   That is the rule.  If they let the audience decide we can decide that we don't want anything.

Now I know we could have done that anyway by not watching.  But let's be honest.  If it is on TV we will watch.  What we can refuse to do is actively participate in Hawaii 5-0.  We can do that much. 

This could be the precedent setter.  We can make our stand here.  If we don't vote for this then maybe they won't run "the Voice" anymore.  Eventually, if we all stop voting on TV they will not run those annoying little lines on the American presidential debates to gauge public reaction. 

Let us all stand together in apathy and do nothing. 

I have always had a dream.  I wish that I would go to a sold out show of Peter Pan.  The play would go as normal until Tinker Bell dies and Peter Pan turns to the audience and asks the audience to say "I believe in fairies" to bring her back to life.  The theater is hushed and quiet, caught up in the 4th wall breaking enormity of the moment, until a small boy no more than six stands on his seat.  He is wearing pajamas because he is going to fall asleep in the car on the way home.  He is holding a teddy bear.  The audience turns to see him and he says in his falsetto wavering voice:

"let the bitch die". 

I don't believe in fairies and I don't believe in Hawaii 5-0.  Let it die.