I love Christmas. It is my wife's favorite holiday and somehow over the years her joy has rubbed off on me. I also love gingerbread and gingerbread increases exponentially in December.
The only bad part about Christmas is that it has served as a constant reminder to me that the world is irreconcilably worse than it was during my childhood.
This is not because of the commercialization of Christmas. I love commercialization if for no other reason than it allows me to understand that the vast majority of people are either stupider than me or eviler than me. This is made clear by television ads.
I was watching TV last night. Unfortunately, I watched the last Community for some time. Maybe forever. During the episode one character rapped during the episode "If years were seasons, this December would be the December of our December". That is very meta, but very sad.
During the episode there were two ads which were mind boggling for different reasons.
The first was an ad for orange juice. I think it proves people are evil. Evidently there is special orange juice that saves your heart by lowering your cholesterol because of plant extracts put in the juice. However, in very small type in the corner of the ad it says: "product intended only for adults." Now this can mean only one of two things. Either the product is actually harmful for children or there are people who are are trying to lower their children's cholesterol.
Either of those things is evil.
I personally hope that the juice is actually bad for children as it would open up the door for the best lawsuit ever when grieving parents sue "Big Juice" for poisoning their children and the company tries to rely on the small print on a television ad. I suspect that might not work. Inevitably, it would lead to redesign of the label of the orange juice carton to prominently feature the words "will harm your children" in big black letters with a skull and crossbones. I would buy that juice.
The second ad was not for orange juice, but for oranges. These ads followed each other back-to-back. This would seem like natural competition and not very well planned. Maybe I am the only person who thought, wait a minute, if I buy oranges I can make orange juice. Anyways, the ad for oranges also had small print. It featured a small girl eating oranges while lying on a couch and the fine print said "eating oranges while lying down may result in choking".
This is stupid for two reasons. First, you shouldn't need to be told that. Second, if you do need to be told that you probably missed the uber small writing on the ad itself.
However, the more I thought about it the more I thought all ads should have such fine print. For example, ads for galaxy tablets really should just say "Buying this product may make you wish you had not been so cheap and just bought an Ipad". Ads for those things you stick in your ears so you can talk on your cellphone could just say "wearing these products will make you look like a loser".
So it is definitely not the commercialization of Christmas that makes me know the world is going downhill.
It is the fact that the Swiss Chalet festive meal special now features Lindt chocolates.
Give me back my Toblerone bar you Christmas ruining assholes.
12.01.2011
What they don't want you to know about Oil Rigs...
As I have said numerous times I watch a lot of TV on DVDs. I find it comforting to have a whole season there to be watched all in one sitting. I can't imagine people watching shows weekly, especially with the season-ending cliff-hangers. Why wait in anticipation to see who the secret Cylon is when you can just pop in the next DVD and find out. Suspense is overrated - instant gratifciation is way better. This is proven conclusively by the existence of the "buy it now" button on eBay.
While watching said DVDs I always have to watch the stupid copyright screen. You know - the one you can't skip over. But I realised that imbedded in them is a huge secret. Amongst other things it tells you it is illegal to watch the DVD in schools, prison and oil rigs. Now I already knew that schools and prisons were fabulous places with non-stop parties and movie shows (proven by Welcome Back, Kotter, Oz and Prison Break). But I never suspected that oil rigs were such happening places. I always figured them to be dirty, smelly places where large men swung comically huge wrenches around.
I think I have been deceived.
If you think about it oil rigs are the perfect place to have a massive party with non-stop movies and dancing. They are secluded, large and on international waters. Think about it for a second. The more you do the more you realize that oil rigs are heaven on earth.
What is the biggest disaster we know about involving an oil rig? I would say that whole BP petroleum thing. Did those people seem sober to you? They were obviously stoned or drunk off of the massive party they were having when someone pressed a button they shouldn't have and suddenly the whole world was watching. It was the equivalent to breaking a vase at a house party while the parents are away and drunkenly trying to piece it all together so "no one will notice".
All things considered BP did a pretty good job.
If I am right (and I do not see how I can be wrong) I suspect that the Oiluminati already know that I know. If I stop posting they have got me. Don't worry about me though. I suspect that I could get used to living my life on an oil rig (baby and wife by my side), the fresh sea air in my face, watching illegal DVDs and thumbing my nose at copyright law.
It's a pirate's life for me.
While watching said DVDs I always have to watch the stupid copyright screen. You know - the one you can't skip over. But I realised that imbedded in them is a huge secret. Amongst other things it tells you it is illegal to watch the DVD in schools, prison and oil rigs. Now I already knew that schools and prisons were fabulous places with non-stop parties and movie shows (proven by Welcome Back, Kotter, Oz and Prison Break). But I never suspected that oil rigs were such happening places. I always figured them to be dirty, smelly places where large men swung comically huge wrenches around.
I think I have been deceived.
If you think about it oil rigs are the perfect place to have a massive party with non-stop movies and dancing. They are secluded, large and on international waters. Think about it for a second. The more you do the more you realize that oil rigs are heaven on earth.
What is the biggest disaster we know about involving an oil rig? I would say that whole BP petroleum thing. Did those people seem sober to you? They were obviously stoned or drunk off of the massive party they were having when someone pressed a button they shouldn't have and suddenly the whole world was watching. It was the equivalent to breaking a vase at a house party while the parents are away and drunkenly trying to piece it all together so "no one will notice".
All things considered BP did a pretty good job.
If I am right (and I do not see how I can be wrong) I suspect that the Oiluminati already know that I know. If I stop posting they have got me. Don't worry about me though. I suspect that I could get used to living my life on an oil rig (baby and wife by my side), the fresh sea air in my face, watching illegal DVDs and thumbing my nose at copyright law.
It's a pirate's life for me.
11.29.2011
Planes, Trains and... Boobies?
So everyday I take a 40 minute train ride into work. I love it as it allows me to watch DVDs of TV series. If you total up the entire time for a week I can get through a series in about a week and a half. I just finished Life on Mars (I was right) and am now laughing away to Its Always Sunny season 6.
Next up is Deadwood Season 2. Which raises a particular quandary... nudity on public transportation.
Now I don't mean actual nudity. I am not prone to not wearing clothes - even on casual Friday. However, the whores on Deadwood don't seem to have such social values. Almost every episode of Deadwood has some gratuitous nudity at one point or another. I am usually sitting next to an elderly Chinese women when it comes on who always looks at me like I am the devil.
So the question becomes is it wrong to have nudity in the show I am watching in a public place? I "think" not, but I "feel" differently. For some reason whenever the nudity comes on I feel like I am being caught metaphorically slinking out of a strip club. I fidget in my seat and try and tilt the screen down. For some reason I don't feel the same way about extreme violence. Many episodes of Deadwood involve a shooting or a stabbing or a corpse rotting from dysentery. None of that makes me feel as guilty as a exposed breast does.
Maybe I am being crazy. I have never seen a child on the GO train. Everyone on the GO train is an adult. If they can't take the heat they shouldn't be watching over my shoulder.
Plus no nudity would severely cut back on the shows I could watch. No "Games of Thrones", "Rome" or pretty much anything from HBO. Don't get me started on True Blood which is really just soft core porn for women with the addition of very bad vampire effects (and is kinda creepy if you ever watched "the Piano").
I guess I am all for breaking social norms if it results in better entertainment for me.
So I have placed my flag firmly in the pro-boobs on trains camp. This is one of the benefits of being an adult. If the elderly Chinese lady doesn't like it she can go to hell. On a related note she probably thinks I am going there already.
Next up is Deadwood Season 2. Which raises a particular quandary... nudity on public transportation.
Now I don't mean actual nudity. I am not prone to not wearing clothes - even on casual Friday. However, the whores on Deadwood don't seem to have such social values. Almost every episode of Deadwood has some gratuitous nudity at one point or another. I am usually sitting next to an elderly Chinese women when it comes on who always looks at me like I am the devil.
So the question becomes is it wrong to have nudity in the show I am watching in a public place? I "think" not, but I "feel" differently. For some reason whenever the nudity comes on I feel like I am being caught metaphorically slinking out of a strip club. I fidget in my seat and try and tilt the screen down. For some reason I don't feel the same way about extreme violence. Many episodes of Deadwood involve a shooting or a stabbing or a corpse rotting from dysentery. None of that makes me feel as guilty as a exposed breast does.
Maybe I am being crazy. I have never seen a child on the GO train. Everyone on the GO train is an adult. If they can't take the heat they shouldn't be watching over my shoulder.
Plus no nudity would severely cut back on the shows I could watch. No "Games of Thrones", "Rome" or pretty much anything from HBO. Don't get me started on True Blood which is really just soft core porn for women with the addition of very bad vampire effects (and is kinda creepy if you ever watched "the Piano").
I guess I am all for breaking social norms if it results in better entertainment for me.
So I have placed my flag firmly in the pro-boobs on trains camp. This is one of the benefits of being an adult. If the elderly Chinese lady doesn't like it she can go to hell. On a related note she probably thinks I am going there already.
11.28.2011
What's in a (nick)name?
Nicknames are very important. One of the powerful tropes in fantasy literature is that once you know a creatures true name you have control over that being. The same is true in real life. Once you know a person's nickname you have a powerful insight into their soul.
This is not something new. There was an entire episode of Seinfeld wherein George Castanza tried very hard to be nicknamed T-Bone and ended up being named KoKo. Neither of these seems like great choices to me.
Nicknames are also incredibly important in pick-up basketball. I play in a run wherein people's nicknames correspond to their playing abilities/style.
There is "black hole" who is incaple of passing. Suprisingly, he wears this as a badge of honour.
There is "dead chicken" - so named because he darts everywhere with no purpose like a chicken with his head cut off.
Then there is "Jules". I think that may just be his name. We don't talk much.
Then there is me. I used to be the "old white guy". They would say someone guard "old white guy". Then I started scoring on them and they actually started to respect my game.
I earned my nickname - "Old School". You see I am much older than these people (they are like 18-22, I am 32), but I also have none of the athletic ability that they have. These people can dunk and I have trouble jumping over a nickle. But what this run has in athleticism it lacks in basic basketball sense. One head fake or pump fake and these people just cannot recover. Thus I was dubbed "old school" to account for the fact that I play low to the ground, but can still score.
It turns out I really like the nickname. It makes me feel wise. I guess getting older ain't so bad if you also get to be "Old School".
This is not something new. There was an entire episode of Seinfeld wherein George Castanza tried very hard to be nicknamed T-Bone and ended up being named KoKo. Neither of these seems like great choices to me.
Nicknames are also incredibly important in pick-up basketball. I play in a run wherein people's nicknames correspond to their playing abilities/style.
There is "black hole" who is incaple of passing. Suprisingly, he wears this as a badge of honour.
There is "dead chicken" - so named because he darts everywhere with no purpose like a chicken with his head cut off.
Then there is "Jules". I think that may just be his name. We don't talk much.
Then there is me. I used to be the "old white guy". They would say someone guard "old white guy". Then I started scoring on them and they actually started to respect my game.
I earned my nickname - "Old School". You see I am much older than these people (they are like 18-22, I am 32), but I also have none of the athletic ability that they have. These people can dunk and I have trouble jumping over a nickle. But what this run has in athleticism it lacks in basic basketball sense. One head fake or pump fake and these people just cannot recover. Thus I was dubbed "old school" to account for the fact that I play low to the ground, but can still score.
It turns out I really like the nickname. It makes me feel wise. I guess getting older ain't so bad if you also get to be "Old School".
11.18.2011
Spoiler Alert...
Sometimes I am too smart for my own good.
I have been watching Life on Mars on DVD. For those who do not know, the series is about a cop in 2004 who gets hit by a car and wakes up in 1973. He doesn't know why he is there, and then strange things start happening and a lot of cases he works on seem to be related to his future life. It has good actors (Harvey Kietel, Gretchen Mol, "Billie" from Entourage) and is very well written. You should watch it. If you plan to you should also stop reading now.
This series was recommended to me by my parents and I was told the ending is a little weird. Words like that set my mind in motion because I love a good puzzle and especially a good twist. I have watched all the classic twist movies. Once I suspect there is a twist, my mind starts working on overdrive to pick it out. It is very annoying.
The thing that pissed me off most about "Inception" is that there was no twist - it played it straight the entire movie. I kept waiting for that movie to be a heist on Ellen Paige's character. That would have been awesome. Inception was a drama masquerading as a heist movie.
I much prefer the reverse. Take "Matchstick Men". The movie is a good example of a twist ending movie whose twist is hidden in the way the movie was marketed. The movie was sold to the public as a tale about a con man connecting with a long lost daughter. The movie is even paced and shot that way. Then it uses that to set up its twist. Heist masquerading as drama. That I like.
My problem is I decoded the secret to Life on Mars after the 7th episode. I believe that the main character is travelling to Mars and has to go into a suspended sleep for approximately 30 years in order to get there. The show is him dreaming during this trip. He is subconsciously dealing with the fact that he will wake up 30 years in the future by imagining he went 30 years in the past.
The show is littered with references to space. There is even a little mars probe thingy that is showing up constantly. The main character is called spaceman by his fellow cops (because he thinks he is from the future) and when he met himself as a kid he is constantly reminded that he wanted to be either a cop or an astronaut. Every episode has some character with a cosmic name (which at first just seems like a reflection of hippie culture). Then there is the title itself (which we are supposed to believe references the David Bowie song he heard when he was hit by the car in 2004). If I am right, he is literally going to be life on Mars.
I am very sure I am right about this, but I will not wikipedia to see. I will just watch. But I am starting to see the trail of crumbs that have been left for me. I have ruined the fun of the show for myself by trying to guess the ending.
Sometimes it is better to just let things happen and just go along for the ride...even if it is to another planet.
I have been watching Life on Mars on DVD. For those who do not know, the series is about a cop in 2004 who gets hit by a car and wakes up in 1973. He doesn't know why he is there, and then strange things start happening and a lot of cases he works on seem to be related to his future life. It has good actors (Harvey Kietel, Gretchen Mol, "Billie" from Entourage) and is very well written. You should watch it. If you plan to you should also stop reading now.
This series was recommended to me by my parents and I was told the ending is a little weird. Words like that set my mind in motion because I love a good puzzle and especially a good twist. I have watched all the classic twist movies. Once I suspect there is a twist, my mind starts working on overdrive to pick it out. It is very annoying.
The thing that pissed me off most about "Inception" is that there was no twist - it played it straight the entire movie. I kept waiting for that movie to be a heist on Ellen Paige's character. That would have been awesome. Inception was a drama masquerading as a heist movie.
I much prefer the reverse. Take "Matchstick Men". The movie is a good example of a twist ending movie whose twist is hidden in the way the movie was marketed. The movie was sold to the public as a tale about a con man connecting with a long lost daughter. The movie is even paced and shot that way. Then it uses that to set up its twist. Heist masquerading as drama. That I like.
My problem is I decoded the secret to Life on Mars after the 7th episode. I believe that the main character is travelling to Mars and has to go into a suspended sleep for approximately 30 years in order to get there. The show is him dreaming during this trip. He is subconsciously dealing with the fact that he will wake up 30 years in the future by imagining he went 30 years in the past.
The show is littered with references to space. There is even a little mars probe thingy that is showing up constantly. The main character is called spaceman by his fellow cops (because he thinks he is from the future) and when he met himself as a kid he is constantly reminded that he wanted to be either a cop or an astronaut. Every episode has some character with a cosmic name (which at first just seems like a reflection of hippie culture). Then there is the title itself (which we are supposed to believe references the David Bowie song he heard when he was hit by the car in 2004). If I am right, he is literally going to be life on Mars.
I am very sure I am right about this, but I will not wikipedia to see. I will just watch. But I am starting to see the trail of crumbs that have been left for me. I have ruined the fun of the show for myself by trying to guess the ending.
Sometimes it is better to just let things happen and just go along for the ride...even if it is to another planet.
11.17.2011
The N'Awesome Project
A while back I read the book of awesome. It was ok. It would have been better if it was the book of Not Awesome. While we all know that good things are good, complaining about bad things is better. Nothing unifies us more than sharing our collective disdain for the world and the stupid things in it.
In order to attract the youths I am shortening it to the N'Awesome Project.
Now I know that the Book of Awesome was in part written by a best friend of someone who died of Cancer so that we would all recognize the little things in life that are great. It would seem that N'Awsome project would be against that. Not so. The first thing on the N'Awesome Project is:
Cancer. Totally N'Awesome!
The rest of the items are a little more subjective. Some of the items I would add are (in no particular order):
Julia Stiles.
People referencing older posts from their blog so that you have to read them in order to understand.
That guy who still won't pass me the basketball on Saturday and still continues to shoot airballs every time (he now insists that his jumper is - and I quote - "sick, yo").
The word Awesome (I always misspell it as Awsome and it makes me feel like a Teenage Ninja Turtle)
Family Circus (Too soon? I don't think so. Be funny or die... it took Bill Keane a long time to finally get it right).
The canonization of Steve Jobs.
The phrase "with all due respect" - because when you say it you always mean with no respect at all.
The Santa Claus Parade once you are over 10.
The TV Show Big Brother.
[Aside - I love all things reality show based. But this show makes no sense to me at all. It is worse than Age of Love. That show was the best. It had tennis star Mark Philippoussis (a 30 year-old) choosing between a group of 20 year-olds and a group of 40 year-olds. The best thing about the show was Mark lived on the 30th floor, the older woman lived on the 40th floor and the younger women lived on the 20th floor of the same condo building. Do you see what the producers did there? Brilliant. It only lasted one season. Big Brother is in its 13th season. The Mole no longer exists]
Please send me your N'Awesome list and I will compile a list which I will sell for millions of dollars and you can feel part of something greater than yourself with no monetary reward whatsoever.
N'Awesome!
In order to attract the youths I am shortening it to the N'Awesome Project.
Now I know that the Book of Awesome was in part written by a best friend of someone who died of Cancer so that we would all recognize the little things in life that are great. It would seem that N'Awsome project would be against that. Not so. The first thing on the N'Awesome Project is:
Cancer. Totally N'Awesome!
The rest of the items are a little more subjective. Some of the items I would add are (in no particular order):
Julia Stiles.
People referencing older posts from their blog so that you have to read them in order to understand.
That guy who still won't pass me the basketball on Saturday and still continues to shoot airballs every time (he now insists that his jumper is - and I quote - "sick, yo").
The word Awesome (I always misspell it as Awsome and it makes me feel like a Teenage Ninja Turtle)
Family Circus (Too soon? I don't think so. Be funny or die... it took Bill Keane a long time to finally get it right).
The canonization of Steve Jobs.
The phrase "with all due respect" - because when you say it you always mean with no respect at all.
The Santa Claus Parade once you are over 10.
The TV Show Big Brother.
[Aside - I love all things reality show based. But this show makes no sense to me at all. It is worse than Age of Love. That show was the best. It had tennis star Mark Philippoussis (a 30 year-old) choosing between a group of 20 year-olds and a group of 40 year-olds. The best thing about the show was Mark lived on the 30th floor, the older woman lived on the 40th floor and the younger women lived on the 20th floor of the same condo building. Do you see what the producers did there? Brilliant. It only lasted one season. Big Brother is in its 13th season. The Mole no longer exists]
Please send me your N'Awesome list and I will compile a list which I will sell for millions of dollars and you can feel part of something greater than yourself with no monetary reward whatsoever.
N'Awesome!
11.16.2011
I get sick and look what happens...
I have been sick for the past week or so (thus the lack of posts). I have been segregated from my family by my wife who has banished me (and my contagiousness) into the basement. I think she secretly would like it if I was behind Plexiglas as in those Outbreak movies. The upside would be we could do one of those heartbreaking scenes where we touch hands to the glass that separates us as I cry a single tear.
This is my only chance to do that as I would not last long enough in jail to ever get a chance with the two way phones.
During my isolation one thing almost occurred that would have made me very sad. NBC almost cancelled Community.
Community is my favorite show. It feels like it was made for me. It is very rare that there is a show that references obscure things that you actually understand. I don't mean like Family Guy where they hit you over the head with the reference. Community is different. It respects the work. It goes beyond referencing. It is an "homage".
For example, in one episode Community did a homage to "My Dinner with Andre" (literally a movie about two people having a conversation at dinner). Halfway through this particular episode, I thought to myself - this feels a lot like that movie... but who would reference that? Then it turned out that they were.
They also did an episode centered around a critical analysis of "Who's the Boss". I enjoyed this episode even more.
When they did an episode referencing Apollo 13 they had the exact right feel throughout the episode, even down to the one astronaut who doesn't get to go to space but understands that he plays an important role anyways. Plus, we all know KFC is secretly behind all space missions (Hint: the 11th spice is made from martians)
Community is a show that while not the funniest on TV, is the truest. The show shines because it treats its characters with a lot of respect and has a lot of heart. It also has Allison Brie.
It appears that NBC may not be cancelling Community, but is instead putting it on "hiatus". This cannot be a good development. Please don't let Community be another My So Called Life, Freaks and Geeks, Sports Night. If someone is watching "Two Broke Girls", we can all watch Community.
In the words of Abed (ironically rebelling against the impending cancellation of the Cape):
"Six Seasons and a Movie"
This is my only chance to do that as I would not last long enough in jail to ever get a chance with the two way phones.
During my isolation one thing almost occurred that would have made me very sad. NBC almost cancelled Community.
Community is my favorite show. It feels like it was made for me. It is very rare that there is a show that references obscure things that you actually understand. I don't mean like Family Guy where they hit you over the head with the reference. Community is different. It respects the work. It goes beyond referencing. It is an "homage".
For example, in one episode Community did a homage to "My Dinner with Andre" (literally a movie about two people having a conversation at dinner). Halfway through this particular episode, I thought to myself - this feels a lot like that movie... but who would reference that? Then it turned out that they were.
They also did an episode centered around a critical analysis of "Who's the Boss". I enjoyed this episode even more.
When they did an episode referencing Apollo 13 they had the exact right feel throughout the episode, even down to the one astronaut who doesn't get to go to space but understands that he plays an important role anyways. Plus, we all know KFC is secretly behind all space missions (Hint: the 11th spice is made from martians)
Community is a show that while not the funniest on TV, is the truest. The show shines because it treats its characters with a lot of respect and has a lot of heart. It also has Allison Brie.
It appears that NBC may not be cancelling Community, but is instead putting it on "hiatus". This cannot be a good development. Please don't let Community be another My So Called Life, Freaks and Geeks, Sports Night. If someone is watching "Two Broke Girls", we can all watch Community.
In the words of Abed (ironically rebelling against the impending cancellation of the Cape):
"Six Seasons and a Movie"
11.11.2011
Lest we forget...
Remembrance day... the non-day off holiday in which we take a minute of silence to remember those who died defending this country. I think it is somewhat ironic that the Queen warrants a day off, but they do not.
Jesus gets two days, couldn't he give one up? Selfish bastard. (That isn't fair. Jesus isn't selfish. He is undeniably a bastard though).
I guess it makes sense: God > Royalty = Pilgrims = Simcoe = Family > Soldiers.
In honour of Remembrance day, I want to discuss my new found ability to forget everything. Ever since I turned 30 I am a walking sieve of mental information. Want me to do something? You better tattoo it to my body so that I don't forget who you are and why it was my fault that my wife died from an insulin overdose (SPOILER).
It is a really puzzling experience. I used to have a mind like a steel trap. I would remember dates, cases for work...everything. Now I have a mind like an old pair of flannel pajamas: soft, well-worn and wanting to go to bed.
This leads me to the conclusion that this is going to get worse. I have fears of becoming a "wanderer", one of those old men who just meander around and seem lost in a haze. I am already like 75% of the way there.
So I am now training my brain. I do a crossword puzzle a day to stave off Alzheimer's. It isn't working. I now know many different synonyms for milk (exploit, use, drain, siphon, moo-juice), but forget when I need to buy a carton.
I guess the future is what the future is. I will get old. I will forget. Hopefully, while I get old the people around me stay as amazing as they currently are. As long as my life is good, remembering is overrated.
Family Day > Remembrance Day.
Jesus gets two days, couldn't he give one up? Selfish bastard. (That isn't fair. Jesus isn't selfish. He is undeniably a bastard though).
I guess it makes sense: God > Royalty = Pilgrims = Simcoe = Family > Soldiers.
In honour of Remembrance day, I want to discuss my new found ability to forget everything. Ever since I turned 30 I am a walking sieve of mental information. Want me to do something? You better tattoo it to my body so that I don't forget who you are and why it was my fault that my wife died from an insulin overdose (SPOILER).
It is a really puzzling experience. I used to have a mind like a steel trap. I would remember dates, cases for work...everything. Now I have a mind like an old pair of flannel pajamas: soft, well-worn and wanting to go to bed.
This leads me to the conclusion that this is going to get worse. I have fears of becoming a "wanderer", one of those old men who just meander around and seem lost in a haze. I am already like 75% of the way there.
So I am now training my brain. I do a crossword puzzle a day to stave off Alzheimer's. It isn't working. I now know many different synonyms for milk (exploit, use, drain, siphon, moo-juice), but forget when I need to buy a carton.
I guess the future is what the future is. I will get old. I will forget. Hopefully, while I get old the people around me stay as amazing as they currently are. As long as my life is good, remembering is overrated.
Family Day > Remembrance Day.
11.10.2011
What's in a name (redux)
When it came time to name our son it was quickly decided that the first name would be the sole purview of my wife. This is because I would undoubtedly name my child something horrible.
My first choice would have been Yam. This was for one reason and one reason only. If you name a child Yam he is much likelier to have the nick name "sweet potato". Sweet Potato is a great nickname. I thought that if I could give my child a greater chance at a killer nickname I was already giving him one step ahead in this cruel world.
If I had twins I would name them Xylem and Phloem. These are beautiful names and good for girls, boys or one of each. They are also the two parts of the circulatory system of plants. That is an added bonus.
The one that absolutely made it so that I was out of the naming duties was that I strongly feel that the names of STDs are great names for girls. If you think about it Syphilis and Chlamydia are beautiful names that have been unfortunately associated with horrible things. It would have the added benefit of ensuring that my little girls would never go on a date until they could legally change their names.
Why can we not name ugly diseases with ugly names. I think Helga and Syphilis should switch places.
On that topic, I strongly believe that Asperger Syndrome should be the new name of Tourette Syndrome. The name sounds like "ass burgers" which is what people with Tourettes might uncontrollably say. Wouldn't it be better if things were easy to remember like that?
Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work like that. So poor Yam would probably just be beaten up, Xylem and Phloem would be ostracized for doing so well on their Biology midterm and little Syphilis would die alone surrounded by her cats.
It is a good thing I am not a single dad - I don't think I could handle the naming responsibility.
My first choice would have been Yam. This was for one reason and one reason only. If you name a child Yam he is much likelier to have the nick name "sweet potato". Sweet Potato is a great nickname. I thought that if I could give my child a greater chance at a killer nickname I was already giving him one step ahead in this cruel world.
If I had twins I would name them Xylem and Phloem. These are beautiful names and good for girls, boys or one of each. They are also the two parts of the circulatory system of plants. That is an added bonus.
The one that absolutely made it so that I was out of the naming duties was that I strongly feel that the names of STDs are great names for girls. If you think about it Syphilis and Chlamydia are beautiful names that have been unfortunately associated with horrible things. It would have the added benefit of ensuring that my little girls would never go on a date until they could legally change their names.
Why can we not name ugly diseases with ugly names. I think Helga and Syphilis should switch places.
On that topic, I strongly believe that Asperger Syndrome should be the new name of Tourette Syndrome. The name sounds like "ass burgers" which is what people with Tourettes might uncontrollably say. Wouldn't it be better if things were easy to remember like that?
Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work like that. So poor Yam would probably just be beaten up, Xylem and Phloem would be ostracized for doing so well on their Biology midterm and little Syphilis would die alone surrounded by her cats.
It is a good thing I am not a single dad - I don't think I could handle the naming responsibility.
11.09.2011
I hate Rob Ford...
I do not hate a lot of things.
But the things I hate are very specific: Julia Stiles, Season 2 of Heroes, Raccoons, that guy who I play Basketball with on Saturdays who thinks he is better than me so he continues to look me off instead of passing to me and then proceeds to throw up air ball after air ball. He can rot in hell.
But there is a special place in my hating heart for Rob Ford.
Now I do not hate him for his vulgarity or his love of football. I don't even hate him because of his stupid transit policies or the fact that he seems to not believe in freedom of the press. I hate him because he is a hypocrite.
Recently, it emerged that Rob Ford spent approximately $1,500 more on business cards than the typical counsellor so that he could order them from his family company. When this came to light he reacted by reimbursing the city the money and stating: "I am continuing my commitment to respect tax dollars which I demonstrated throughout my 10 years as a Councillor by keeping the office expenses paid by taxpayers down to the essentials".
So let me get this straight. This is the man who ran on a platform of cutting the gravy train and made hay over the amount spent on the expenditures (such as a retirement party or the rental of a bunny suit) by other counsellors. He then gets caught funneling taxpayer money to HIS FAMILY COMPANY (which he part owns), spends MORE money than others, bills this to the city and then decides AFTER getting caught that he will pay it back and use this repayment as proof of how responsible he is.
Really? Is he that stupid? Are we?
Let me begin by saying I think that all this focus on the small stuff is missing the point. Voting somebody into office on the promise of $1000 savings here or there is never going to save Toronto from the problems it has. In my opinion Rob Ford has been a disaster at managing the "Big Stuff". However, if you are going to run on a campaign of stopping the gravy train don't you have to respect this yourself?
If you are going to complain about how much someone spends on their retirement party as a key part of your campaign don't you have to accept responsibility when you do the same thing (only worse)? Isn't it the definition of hypocrisy to try and turn your misdeed in to proof of your respect for the taxpayers?
Maybe Rob Ford is just stupid and not malicious - in the end it doesn't matter.
In the words of Margaret Atwood (Who is she again?): "Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results."
But the things I hate are very specific: Julia Stiles, Season 2 of Heroes, Raccoons, that guy who I play Basketball with on Saturdays who thinks he is better than me so he continues to look me off instead of passing to me and then proceeds to throw up air ball after air ball. He can rot in hell.
But there is a special place in my hating heart for Rob Ford.
Now I do not hate him for his vulgarity or his love of football. I don't even hate him because of his stupid transit policies or the fact that he seems to not believe in freedom of the press. I hate him because he is a hypocrite.
Recently, it emerged that Rob Ford spent approximately $1,500 more on business cards than the typical counsellor so that he could order them from his family company. When this came to light he reacted by reimbursing the city the money and stating: "I am continuing my commitment to respect tax dollars which I demonstrated throughout my 10 years as a Councillor by keeping the office expenses paid by taxpayers down to the essentials".
So let me get this straight. This is the man who ran on a platform of cutting the gravy train and made hay over the amount spent on the expenditures (such as a retirement party or the rental of a bunny suit) by other counsellors. He then gets caught funneling taxpayer money to HIS FAMILY COMPANY (which he part owns), spends MORE money than others, bills this to the city and then decides AFTER getting caught that he will pay it back and use this repayment as proof of how responsible he is.
Really? Is he that stupid? Are we?
Let me begin by saying I think that all this focus on the small stuff is missing the point. Voting somebody into office on the promise of $1000 savings here or there is never going to save Toronto from the problems it has. In my opinion Rob Ford has been a disaster at managing the "Big Stuff". However, if you are going to run on a campaign of stopping the gravy train don't you have to respect this yourself?
If you are going to complain about how much someone spends on their retirement party as a key part of your campaign don't you have to accept responsibility when you do the same thing (only worse)? Isn't it the definition of hypocrisy to try and turn your misdeed in to proof of your respect for the taxpayers?
Maybe Rob Ford is just stupid and not malicious - in the end it doesn't matter.
In the words of Margaret Atwood (Who is she again?): "Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results."
11.08.2011
Let us have our mustaches...
So it is Movember the time of year when men grow facial hair in support of prostate cancer. It is a wonderful idea. It turns out that men don't like to talk about health issues so prostate cancer wasn't getting a lot of press despite it being a big deal for men. It is highly preventable if detected early - the problem is detection involves a rather intimate moment with your doctor.
So someone thought: what if we can make prostate cancer hip? And they did. They simply tapped into what playoff hockey players, evil magicians and the 2nd best relief pitcher ever to pitch for the Oakland Athletics (RollieFingers.jpg) knew... Guys love to grow facial hair.
It was decided that men could grow mustaches in November and this would serve three purpose 1) it would be cool 2) it would get people talking 3) it would raise some money. It has taken off like a rocket and guys everywhere are embracing it and talking about this issue. It also has an awesome name: Movember.
So it was with some surprise that I noticed that there is now a movement to have women get involved. The idea is that women will grow their pubic hair for a month in support of cervical cancer. This is a horrible idea.
First and most obviously - how are you going to tell if a person is participating? If you are going to get my donations I need to ensure you are actually doing this. Just sayin'. I also imagine corporate sponsorship is going to be hard.
Second, and related to point one above, the whole point of Movember (and its brilliance) is that it got people talking. Suddenly Jim from accounting is rocking a full Van Buren and you just want to know why. If it is not self-evident that you are participating then you are going to actively have to discuss this in order to "spread the word". This is going to make dinner conversation a whole lot creepier for an entire month.
Third, and most importantly, the current names for this are laughable. The first is Muffember. The other competing name is Julyna. Both are horrible. Febushary, anyone?
What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander. I don't understand why we need to have gender equality for everything? Movember is a uniquely male thing which was invented to deal with a uniquely male issue. We already shut down major highways to have the run for the cure.
Can't you just let us have our mustaches and keep your crotches out of it?
So someone thought: what if we can make prostate cancer hip? And they did. They simply tapped into what playoff hockey players, evil magicians and the 2nd best relief pitcher ever to pitch for the Oakland Athletics (RollieFingers.jpg) knew... Guys love to grow facial hair.
It was decided that men could grow mustaches in November and this would serve three purpose 1) it would be cool 2) it would get people talking 3) it would raise some money. It has taken off like a rocket and guys everywhere are embracing it and talking about this issue. It also has an awesome name: Movember.
So it was with some surprise that I noticed that there is now a movement to have women get involved. The idea is that women will grow their pubic hair for a month in support of cervical cancer. This is a horrible idea.
First and most obviously - how are you going to tell if a person is participating? If you are going to get my donations I need to ensure you are actually doing this. Just sayin'. I also imagine corporate sponsorship is going to be hard.
Second, and related to point one above, the whole point of Movember (and its brilliance) is that it got people talking. Suddenly Jim from accounting is rocking a full Van Buren and you just want to know why. If it is not self-evident that you are participating then you are going to actively have to discuss this in order to "spread the word". This is going to make dinner conversation a whole lot creepier for an entire month.
Third, and most importantly, the current names for this are laughable. The first is Muffember. The other competing name is Julyna. Both are horrible. Febushary, anyone?
What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander. I don't understand why we need to have gender equality for everything? Movember is a uniquely male thing which was invented to deal with a uniquely male issue. We already shut down major highways to have the run for the cure.
Can't you just let us have our mustaches and keep your crotches out of it?
11.07.2011
H2 (Uh) O.
My office recently shifted from bottled still water to Perrier so I now drink a bottle of it each day. The drink itself is unquestionably effervescent. It dances on my tongue and adds a little zip to my day. However, I irrationally suspect it is also killing me slowly.
I just don't trust it. The bubbles seem evil. I tried to tell my wife, but she said I was being "crazy".
So, I googled "Perrier is bad for you" and I realised I was not alone. There are many people who are more insane than I am.
One person said that all water is bad in that it can lead to "water intoxication" in which someone rapidly drinks so much water that it changes their "osmotic gradient" and causes brain swelling and even death. Evidently, any kind of water will do that, not just the sparkling kinds, so I don't need to specifically worry about Perrier.
Can you imagine the water cooler talk over that one? "Poor Jimmy, he was just here drinking his water and talking about the premiere of 'Once Upon a Time' and then - POW - his head exploded. Poor Bastard. That osmotic gradient will get you every time."
Another poster pointed out that Perrier was unquestionably part of the "big water" conspiracy that (and I could not make this up) invents hurricanes to spur water sales. I already knew an overdose of water can kill you (drowning), I just never thought it would be part of a grander scheme which invented natural disasters.
This got me thinking - how much proof do I have that Hurricane Katrina really happened? I mean I know George Bush hates black people because Kanye West told me so. I also know Mike Myers' teleprompter reading skill cannot be stopped by anything happening around him. But, I didn't really see the destruction first hand? What if "big water" really was behind it all?
Ultimately, my craziness can only go so far. I distrust bubbles, but I can't distrust the entire world. I am thankful my crazy is easy to fix. I just buy a Brita.
I also am not the craziest person on this issue and that makes me feel a little better inside.
I just don't trust it. The bubbles seem evil. I tried to tell my wife, but she said I was being "crazy".
So, I googled "Perrier is bad for you" and I realised I was not alone. There are many people who are more insane than I am.
One person said that all water is bad in that it can lead to "water intoxication" in which someone rapidly drinks so much water that it changes their "osmotic gradient" and causes brain swelling and even death. Evidently, any kind of water will do that, not just the sparkling kinds, so I don't need to specifically worry about Perrier.
Can you imagine the water cooler talk over that one? "Poor Jimmy, he was just here drinking his water and talking about the premiere of 'Once Upon a Time' and then - POW - his head exploded. Poor Bastard. That osmotic gradient will get you every time."
Another poster pointed out that Perrier was unquestionably part of the "big water" conspiracy that (and I could not make this up) invents hurricanes to spur water sales. I already knew an overdose of water can kill you (drowning), I just never thought it would be part of a grander scheme which invented natural disasters.
This got me thinking - how much proof do I have that Hurricane Katrina really happened? I mean I know George Bush hates black people because Kanye West told me so. I also know Mike Myers' teleprompter reading skill cannot be stopped by anything happening around him. But, I didn't really see the destruction first hand? What if "big water" really was behind it all?
Ultimately, my craziness can only go so far. I distrust bubbles, but I can't distrust the entire world. I am thankful my crazy is easy to fix. I just buy a Brita.
I also am not the craziest person on this issue and that makes me feel a little better inside.
11.04.2011
Never give it back!
So Sunday is the day we all look forward to every year... the day we get our hour back.
Every year I look forward in anticipation to the day where I get my hour back. I wait with anticipation for what I will do with my extra time. Will I go out and help the homeless? Will I read to the blind? Will I write the next great novel? Usually I sleep.
This year the answer is different. I will be up at 4:00 am in the morning. You see the extra hour is amazing when you have a conception of time. Unfortunately, my 10 month old is currently waking at 5:00 am and now will wake at 4:00 am. I hope he learns a sense of time soon or I am going to be a real life zombie.
Putting that aside for a moment, I think we can all agree that in general getting the extra hour is awesome. Giving it back is the annoying part. If I used to love the day when we got the hour - there was no day I hated more than the day it was all taken away from me. Who will read to the blind now, I would shout to the world in anger. The question becomes what do we do? Do we get rid of daylight saving time all together and lose the gaining of the extra hour or do we keep the joy of gaining the extra hour and live with the misery of having to give it back.
I opt for a third option which I call the Greek option in honour of that poor failing country. Take but never give it back.
The plan is simple. Each year we take our extra hour. But we never give it back. It is brilliant and has no drawbacks what-so-ever.
Well...there are at least two drawbacks. One is not so serious. The other is probably the end of the world as we know it.
The first drawback is that over time we would be living in a world where day is night and night is day. Each year we would gain an hour. This would not be a problem at first. However, there would literally be a decade or so where we were living at night and sleeping during the day. This would seem like a big problem, but probably is not that serious. They already do this in Alaska and Alaska is undeniably the coolest place on earth. Having to live through this time (which would invariably be called either the dark ages or the end of days) would give future generations something to rally around and a sense of purpose. It would also spur industries to develop all kinds of special gear to help us through. Right now we need jobs. Imagine how much jobs would be created by the flashlight on the head industry alone.
Also, vampires would love it and we all know vampires are cool.
The more serious drawback is that it would affirm the fact that we have complete control over time. This is a big problem. If we could just give ourselves an hour and it worked it would not take too long for everyone to discover that we could just give ourselves more time. We would literally be immortal. If we just gave ourselves a day each day we would never age.
I have checked and this is totally how it works.
This would wreak havoc on our world as people would not age. Too many people would be born and food supplies would dwindle. Babies would never grow up. It would be chaos.
In fact, because the baby boomers out number the younger people they would start voting that we should give ourselves two days instead of one each day and they would start to grow younger. This would cause people who are younger to eventually be unborn. This mass age genocide would be totally ignored by the youth hungry baby boomers trying to escape the icy hand of death. Eventually, we would be left with a world where the perpetually young maintain their hold on society by reversing time as they see fit. This is a probably a bad thing.
So I guess I will just wake up on Monday at 4 am and say a little prayer that I get a little older each day even if it means I have to give an hour back to the world here or there.
Every year I look forward in anticipation to the day where I get my hour back. I wait with anticipation for what I will do with my extra time. Will I go out and help the homeless? Will I read to the blind? Will I write the next great novel? Usually I sleep.
This year the answer is different. I will be up at 4:00 am in the morning. You see the extra hour is amazing when you have a conception of time. Unfortunately, my 10 month old is currently waking at 5:00 am and now will wake at 4:00 am. I hope he learns a sense of time soon or I am going to be a real life zombie.
Putting that aside for a moment, I think we can all agree that in general getting the extra hour is awesome. Giving it back is the annoying part. If I used to love the day when we got the hour - there was no day I hated more than the day it was all taken away from me. Who will read to the blind now, I would shout to the world in anger. The question becomes what do we do? Do we get rid of daylight saving time all together and lose the gaining of the extra hour or do we keep the joy of gaining the extra hour and live with the misery of having to give it back.
I opt for a third option which I call the Greek option in honour of that poor failing country. Take but never give it back.
The plan is simple. Each year we take our extra hour. But we never give it back. It is brilliant and has no drawbacks what-so-ever.
Well...there are at least two drawbacks. One is not so serious. The other is probably the end of the world as we know it.
The first drawback is that over time we would be living in a world where day is night and night is day. Each year we would gain an hour. This would not be a problem at first. However, there would literally be a decade or so where we were living at night and sleeping during the day. This would seem like a big problem, but probably is not that serious. They already do this in Alaska and Alaska is undeniably the coolest place on earth. Having to live through this time (which would invariably be called either the dark ages or the end of days) would give future generations something to rally around and a sense of purpose. It would also spur industries to develop all kinds of special gear to help us through. Right now we need jobs. Imagine how much jobs would be created by the flashlight on the head industry alone.
Also, vampires would love it and we all know vampires are cool.
The more serious drawback is that it would affirm the fact that we have complete control over time. This is a big problem. If we could just give ourselves an hour and it worked it would not take too long for everyone to discover that we could just give ourselves more time. We would literally be immortal. If we just gave ourselves a day each day we would never age.
I have checked and this is totally how it works.
This would wreak havoc on our world as people would not age. Too many people would be born and food supplies would dwindle. Babies would never grow up. It would be chaos.
In fact, because the baby boomers out number the younger people they would start voting that we should give ourselves two days instead of one each day and they would start to grow younger. This would cause people who are younger to eventually be unborn. This mass age genocide would be totally ignored by the youth hungry baby boomers trying to escape the icy hand of death. Eventually, we would be left with a world where the perpetually young maintain their hold on society by reversing time as they see fit. This is a probably a bad thing.
So I guess I will just wake up on Monday at 4 am and say a little prayer that I get a little older each day even if it means I have to give an hour back to the world here or there.
11.03.2011
What do Ballroom dancing and Golf have in common?
I love sports. I hate that everybody thinks that everything is a sport. The next Olympics will feature Ballroom dancing. Someone will get a medal for doing the fox-trot. I will die a little inside.
This leads to the inevitable discussion of what makes something a sport. In my mind it is a four part test.
1. Does it involve a ball or ball like object?
2. Is it reported in the sports section of the newspapers on a daily basis during the season?
3. Is it something that kids play in a house-league?
4. Is Tiger Woods involved?
The last question is there to specifically exclude golf. Golf is not a sport. It is a hobby.
This leaves only baseball, hockey, football and basketball. If you are in Europe then you can add soccer, cricket and rugby.
What is not a sport? Everything else. Running, wrestling, cycling, boxing, horse racing, nascar etc. This is not because these things are not hard or do not take athletic prowess - it is just because they are either races, fights or contests. They are not sports. Yes it is true I could not do what a world class javelin thrower does. But that is no different than what a dart thrower does. You have to include both or neither. I opt for neither.
Ultimately, if you think about it running and ballroom dancing are not all that different. I would rather exclude almost everything than include so much that what is left has no meaning.
This leads to the inevitable discussion of what makes something a sport. In my mind it is a four part test.
1. Does it involve a ball or ball like object?
2. Is it reported in the sports section of the newspapers on a daily basis during the season?
3. Is it something that kids play in a house-league?
4. Is Tiger Woods involved?
The last question is there to specifically exclude golf. Golf is not a sport. It is a hobby.
This leaves only baseball, hockey, football and basketball. If you are in Europe then you can add soccer, cricket and rugby.
What is not a sport? Everything else. Running, wrestling, cycling, boxing, horse racing, nascar etc. This is not because these things are not hard or do not take athletic prowess - it is just because they are either races, fights or contests. They are not sports. Yes it is true I could not do what a world class javelin thrower does. But that is no different than what a dart thrower does. You have to include both or neither. I opt for neither.
Ultimately, if you think about it running and ballroom dancing are not all that different. I would rather exclude almost everything than include so much that what is left has no meaning.
11.02.2011
R.I.P. Stieg Larsson
So I have sat beside a woman on the GO train for the last two days and she is enthralled with her book "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". I now know two things about this woman. First, she likes to audibly gasp in surprise while reading. Second, she has shitty taste in books.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a horrible book. But it is not the author's fault.
First, the writing is horrible. It is awkward and just reads badly. This is not the author's fault. The book was originally written in Swedish so whoever translated it did a noticeably bad job.
Second, the beginning and ending of the book are boring. They both deal with of all things a corporate takeover. It was the opposite of riveting. The one thing I love when reading is having to struggle to get into a book and then at the end having to wade through 50 pages of dry as sand details of a corporate takeover which has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Page turning! But this is also not the author's fault. The manuscript was discovered fully completed after the author died. I suspect that there was a lack of editing of this work and the result shows. Any competent editor would have hacked the ending and beginning to threads.
Third, the sex in the book is oddly personal. The book is boring and then suddenly there is a scene of intense sexual imagery where a character gets raped or tortured. It is oddly unsettling. There is a scene in the book where there is literally a torture/sex dungeon in the basement of a quiet house in a little town in Sweden. These scenes just pop out of nowhere.
It also does not help that the main character (the man) is a cardboard cut out of the character whose only purpose seems to be to sleep with whatever female character is in the story. It is hard not to think that if I had known Stieg Larsson I would have seen a lot of him in this character. He literally wrote himself into the book - to have sex with imaginary characters he created. Creepy!
Again this is not his fault. A little snooping on the wikipedia site for the author shows that he witnessed the gang rape of a young girl when he was 15. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is him literally trying to work out his feelings about this.
The problems is that we have decided that his personal writings should be a bestseller and have lauded it as great fiction... when it clearly is not.
None of this is Stieg Larsson's fault, but unfortunately it is now his legacy.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a horrible book. But it is not the author's fault.
First, the writing is horrible. It is awkward and just reads badly. This is not the author's fault. The book was originally written in Swedish so whoever translated it did a noticeably bad job.
Second, the beginning and ending of the book are boring. They both deal with of all things a corporate takeover. It was the opposite of riveting. The one thing I love when reading is having to struggle to get into a book and then at the end having to wade through 50 pages of dry as sand details of a corporate takeover which has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Page turning! But this is also not the author's fault. The manuscript was discovered fully completed after the author died. I suspect that there was a lack of editing of this work and the result shows. Any competent editor would have hacked the ending and beginning to threads.
Third, the sex in the book is oddly personal. The book is boring and then suddenly there is a scene of intense sexual imagery where a character gets raped or tortured. It is oddly unsettling. There is a scene in the book where there is literally a torture/sex dungeon in the basement of a quiet house in a little town in Sweden. These scenes just pop out of nowhere.
It also does not help that the main character (the man) is a cardboard cut out of the character whose only purpose seems to be to sleep with whatever female character is in the story. It is hard not to think that if I had known Stieg Larsson I would have seen a lot of him in this character. He literally wrote himself into the book - to have sex with imaginary characters he created. Creepy!
Again this is not his fault. A little snooping on the wikipedia site for the author shows that he witnessed the gang rape of a young girl when he was 15. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is him literally trying to work out his feelings about this.
The problems is that we have decided that his personal writings should be a bestseller and have lauded it as great fiction... when it clearly is not.
None of this is Stieg Larsson's fault, but unfortunately it is now his legacy.
11.01.2011
The Cute Scary divide
So yesterday I had the pleasure of attending my first kindergarten Halloween parade with my son. He is only 10 months old, but having a mommy as a teacher has its privileges.
All of the kindergarten kids were adorable in their little outfits and my son was dressed as a little chicken.
But it got me thinking that eventually he will not want to be cute anymore. He will want to be scary. You see on the way to the kindergarten parade we passed the grade six classrooms. These kids were definitely not cute anymore. They were vampires and ghouls and were loud noisy and amped up on sugar. I realised that this is what my little chicken is going to become. He will eventually grow his wings and turn into a vampire bat! He will become just like those grade 6 kids and be big and tall and wanting a scary costume for Halloween.
I think that me and his mother will always see a little chicken no matter what the rest of the world sees.
However, I guess in one sense I am lucky...I have a boy... at least I don't have to think about the cute/sexy divide...thank heaven for small favours.
On the scary side of the cute/scary divide is this news story. Evidently in the United States hospitals are allowing kids to come in and x-ray their candy to insure that it is safe and not full of razor blades. This is scary for two reasons. First, it just shows how insanely scared people are of threats which do not exist. More importantly, can you imagine if you were a person who suffered a broken bone. You would be waiting in agony as the x-ray machines were being taken up by little kids.
You would also be in a waiting room filled with kids on a massive sugar high... welcome to my nightmare.
All of the kindergarten kids were adorable in their little outfits and my son was dressed as a little chicken.
But it got me thinking that eventually he will not want to be cute anymore. He will want to be scary. You see on the way to the kindergarten parade we passed the grade six classrooms. These kids were definitely not cute anymore. They were vampires and ghouls and were loud noisy and amped up on sugar. I realised that this is what my little chicken is going to become. He will eventually grow his wings and turn into a vampire bat! He will become just like those grade 6 kids and be big and tall and wanting a scary costume for Halloween.
I think that me and his mother will always see a little chicken no matter what the rest of the world sees.
However, I guess in one sense I am lucky...I have a boy... at least I don't have to think about the cute/sexy divide...thank heaven for small favours.
On the scary side of the cute/scary divide is this news story. Evidently in the United States hospitals are allowing kids to come in and x-ray their candy to insure that it is safe and not full of razor blades. This is scary for two reasons. First, it just shows how insanely scared people are of threats which do not exist. More importantly, can you imagine if you were a person who suffered a broken bone. You would be waiting in agony as the x-ray machines were being taken up by little kids.
You would also be in a waiting room filled with kids on a massive sugar high... welcome to my nightmare.
10.29.2011
Anticipaton...
I like baseball. I love play-off baseball. I am in lust with game seven play-off baseball. How I feel about game seven of the World Series is how I am told young toddlers feel about Dora the Explorer.
It must be watched.
But like any good love affair as you age you gain perspective. You see, the baseball playoffs are killing me slowly. The games don't start until 8 pm. They don't end until early the next day and they invariably have late inning heroics. Couple that with the fact that I have a 10 month old son who wakes up like clockwork at 5 a.m. and you have the recipe for disaster.
I can tell I getting older by my inability to stay awake to watch sports. Each year I get older it feels like my will to watch gets one inning less strong. When I was 20 the game would end and I would watch highlights for another 2 hours. When I was 25, I was able to watch the whole game and then went to bed right away. Now at 32, I am ready to call it quits when the celebrity de jour starts singing "God Bless America" in the seventh inning.
If you can tell a tree's age by counting its rings, you can tell a sport's fans age by how many innings (s)he can stay awake for during the playoffs.
But tonight was different - it is game 7. And it is now the seventh inning. Texas is trailing 5 to 2. It is a rather unremarkable game so far. And I am getting tired.
Maybe I should go bed...would that make me a bad sports fan?
Maybe I should stay up and up watch the whole thing...would that make tomorrow a disaster? Would I be a bad father because I will be tired when I play with my son?
Just like a good game of baseball the enjoyment comes not from the outcome, but from the anticipation...should I watch or should I sleep?
*** Fast Forward to almost 12 am Saturday ***
I made it. I am still a sport's fan. Congrats Cards. Sorry Texas (you only have yourself to blame after game 6).
I am going to need a large coffee in 5 hours. I say a small prayer to the baseball Gods that my like-clockwork son will sleep past 5 am.
But, I don't think the fact that I am tired tomorrow will make me a bad father for one important reason.
As I turned off the TV and wrote this, my one thought was: I hope that the next time there is a Game 7 in the World Series that my son and I can share it together.
Now that is something I would definitely stay up for. I guess fatherhood is also about the anticipation.
It must be watched.
But like any good love affair as you age you gain perspective. You see, the baseball playoffs are killing me slowly. The games don't start until 8 pm. They don't end until early the next day and they invariably have late inning heroics. Couple that with the fact that I have a 10 month old son who wakes up like clockwork at 5 a.m. and you have the recipe for disaster.
I can tell I getting older by my inability to stay awake to watch sports. Each year I get older it feels like my will to watch gets one inning less strong. When I was 20 the game would end and I would watch highlights for another 2 hours. When I was 25, I was able to watch the whole game and then went to bed right away. Now at 32, I am ready to call it quits when the celebrity de jour starts singing "God Bless America" in the seventh inning.
If you can tell a tree's age by counting its rings, you can tell a sport's fans age by how many innings (s)he can stay awake for during the playoffs.
But tonight was different - it is game 7. And it is now the seventh inning. Texas is trailing 5 to 2. It is a rather unremarkable game so far. And I am getting tired.
Maybe I should go bed...would that make me a bad sports fan?
Maybe I should stay up and up watch the whole thing...would that make tomorrow a disaster? Would I be a bad father because I will be tired when I play with my son?
Just like a good game of baseball the enjoyment comes not from the outcome, but from the anticipation...should I watch or should I sleep?
*** Fast Forward to almost 12 am Saturday ***
I made it. I am still a sport's fan. Congrats Cards. Sorry Texas (you only have yourself to blame after game 6).
I am going to need a large coffee in 5 hours. I say a small prayer to the baseball Gods that my like-clockwork son will sleep past 5 am.
But, I don't think the fact that I am tired tomorrow will make me a bad father for one important reason.
As I turned off the TV and wrote this, my one thought was: I hope that the next time there is a Game 7 in the World Series that my son and I can share it together.
Now that is something I would definitely stay up for. I guess fatherhood is also about the anticipation.
10.28.2011
Tim will...write?
Usually this blog will feature my thoughts.
Sometimes it will feature my stories. You can click here to read "Ghost Bird".
Sometimes it will feature my stories. You can click here to read "Ghost Bird".
When more is less...
In addition to watching TV, I also play video games. Essentially, I am a teenager in a 30 year old's body. Currently, I am playing Batman Arkham City and it has taught me a truth about myself. I want to be Batman, but I don't want to have to change the tires on the Batmobile.
Let me explain. The game is a follow-up to the award winning game Batman: Arkham Asylum from last year. In the first game you played as Batman and you got stuck in Arkham Asylum and had to find your way out while dealing with all the bad guys stuck inside with you. Think Prison Break for comic book nerds. It was a pretty awsome game. So for the sequel the developers decided - let's just make it bigger. They made an entire city into a prison - thus the name Arkham City. They essentially made the same game again only much, much bigger. Thus it must be much, much better right?
Not necessarily.
The problem is the game is much too big. There are over 400 side-quests in the city and I am constantly veering off the main story to do all kinds of things (like save prisoners or answer telephone calls) and I just don't care about the story anymore. I have choice - but no clear goal. By giving the player so many things to do the game makes the player not care. The "game" begins to feel like a "chore".
So this got me thinking: is bigger better?
Let me go back to my first love - television. Curb Your Enthusiasm is a show that never fails to make me laugh and a large part of that is that it has a short, tight season. Each season is at most ten episodes long. This ensures that the show doesn't lose steam or run out of ideas. It feels fresh. Having a season of 18 episodes would destroy that show. Almost all the HBO shows you probably like have a max episode run of 10-13 episodes. In TV shorter is necessarily better. Heroes was killed by having to fill an entire year of programing. They had one story to tell: "Save the Cheerleader save the World" and they got to the end of it too fast and had nothing left to say. If Entourage had a long season everyone would have realised that it was the same story told over and over again.
Video games and TV shows need to be short to be sweet. I like to waste time... but I only have so much time to waste.
Let me explain. The game is a follow-up to the award winning game Batman: Arkham Asylum from last year. In the first game you played as Batman and you got stuck in Arkham Asylum and had to find your way out while dealing with all the bad guys stuck inside with you. Think Prison Break for comic book nerds. It was a pretty awsome game. So for the sequel the developers decided - let's just make it bigger. They made an entire city into a prison - thus the name Arkham City. They essentially made the same game again only much, much bigger. Thus it must be much, much better right?
Not necessarily.
The problem is the game is much too big. There are over 400 side-quests in the city and I am constantly veering off the main story to do all kinds of things (like save prisoners or answer telephone calls) and I just don't care about the story anymore. I have choice - but no clear goal. By giving the player so many things to do the game makes the player not care. The "game" begins to feel like a "chore".
So this got me thinking: is bigger better?
Let me go back to my first love - television. Curb Your Enthusiasm is a show that never fails to make me laugh and a large part of that is that it has a short, tight season. Each season is at most ten episodes long. This ensures that the show doesn't lose steam or run out of ideas. It feels fresh. Having a season of 18 episodes would destroy that show. Almost all the HBO shows you probably like have a max episode run of 10-13 episodes. In TV shorter is necessarily better. Heroes was killed by having to fill an entire year of programing. They had one story to tell: "Save the Cheerleader save the World" and they got to the end of it too fast and had nothing left to say. If Entourage had a long season everyone would have realised that it was the same story told over and over again.
Video games and TV shows need to be short to be sweet. I like to waste time... but I only have so much time to waste.
10.27.2011
On Buns and Bagels...
I had a Chinese bun for breakfast today, and it brought me face to face with my mortal enemy - the Chinese bun lady.
For the uninitiated Chinese buns are pastry like rolls with savoury meats stuffed inside. They are the perfect combination of sweet and savoury and a very good breakfast snack. However, there is only one Chinese bun place near my office and it is run by my nemesis - the Chinese bun lady.
Now before you go thinking that I am racist - my wife is Chinese. I believe my baby is half-Chinese. I have a vested interest in all things Chinese. Well that is not true. I hate Chinese desserts. Red bean soup is not a satisfying end to any meal. I suppose child sweat shops are bad too.
But the Chinese bun lady is the worst thing to ever come from China. The buns are self-serve and you put them in a bag and pay. They cost $1.20 each but some cost $1.50. This woman opens your bag and paws through to ensure that you haven't tried to take a $1.50 bun for $1.20. She wears a permascowl when she does so. One time I forgot to buy a coffee (which is on the other end of the store) so I said I would just pay and go get it after paying. She said to me she couldn't let me do that because I might steal buns on my way out.
This woman guards her buns like Fort Knox and every customer is part of a elaborate scheme to steal them. I dream of breaking into the bun store a la mission impossible and cleaning the place out of buns and then arriving first thing in the morning to watch the Chinese bun lady try to cope in a world where her buns have been cruelly taken from her.
I also dream of octopuses.
Usually I avoid the Chinese bun shop and instead opt for a bagel. This is because the bagel lady is a very friendly young eastern European lady who smiles and remembers my order from the day before and asks about my day. I like her and as such I order way more bagels than buns - except on those days when I just crave that Chinese bun goodness. In a perfect world the Eastern European women would work in the Chinese bun store and the Chinese bun lady would work at the bagel store where all the produce is behind glass and she wouldn't need to protect her bagels from us bagel thieves. Everyone would win.
But it is not a perfect world. So I eat more bagels than I otherwise would and sometimes cheat on the Eastern European bagel girl with the Chinese bun lady.
Ultimately, when it comes to breakfast foods, as with most things in life, what you do is not as important as who you do it with - unless the thing you do is stuffed with barbecued pork.
For the uninitiated Chinese buns are pastry like rolls with savoury meats stuffed inside. They are the perfect combination of sweet and savoury and a very good breakfast snack. However, there is only one Chinese bun place near my office and it is run by my nemesis - the Chinese bun lady.
Now before you go thinking that I am racist - my wife is Chinese. I believe my baby is half-Chinese. I have a vested interest in all things Chinese. Well that is not true. I hate Chinese desserts. Red bean soup is not a satisfying end to any meal. I suppose child sweat shops are bad too.
But the Chinese bun lady is the worst thing to ever come from China. The buns are self-serve and you put them in a bag and pay. They cost $1.20 each but some cost $1.50. This woman opens your bag and paws through to ensure that you haven't tried to take a $1.50 bun for $1.20. She wears a permascowl when she does so. One time I forgot to buy a coffee (which is on the other end of the store) so I said I would just pay and go get it after paying. She said to me she couldn't let me do that because I might steal buns on my way out.
This woman guards her buns like Fort Knox and every customer is part of a elaborate scheme to steal them. I dream of breaking into the bun store a la mission impossible and cleaning the place out of buns and then arriving first thing in the morning to watch the Chinese bun lady try to cope in a world where her buns have been cruelly taken from her.
I also dream of octopuses.
Usually I avoid the Chinese bun shop and instead opt for a bagel. This is because the bagel lady is a very friendly young eastern European lady who smiles and remembers my order from the day before and asks about my day. I like her and as such I order way more bagels than buns - except on those days when I just crave that Chinese bun goodness. In a perfect world the Eastern European women would work in the Chinese bun store and the Chinese bun lady would work at the bagel store where all the produce is behind glass and she wouldn't need to protect her bagels from us bagel thieves. Everyone would win.
But it is not a perfect world. So I eat more bagels than I otherwise would and sometimes cheat on the Eastern European bagel girl with the Chinese bun lady.
Ultimately, when it comes to breakfast foods, as with most things in life, what you do is not as important as who you do it with - unless the thing you do is stuffed with barbecued pork.
10.26.2011
Brains...
Hi. I am Tim and I am a television-a-holic.
I am currently only on step 2 of the twelve step program to rid of TV from my life. This step is "Come to believe that a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity."
Unfortunately for me that power is HBO, and it currently streams live to my house. I fear that I will not be progressing very far. On the plus side I now know more about the San Francisco Giants' clubhouse than I did before (the Franchise), that I do not want to go see a game of baseball in Mexico (East Bound and Down season 2), never trust eunichs or a brother who would sell you into sexual slavery in order to take over the world (Game of Thrones), that a car periscope is boss (Curb) and that Julia Stiles is not the complete and utter waste of human skin I once believed her to be (Dexter Season 5).
Currently, my favorite show is Community, but that is a topic for another day (note - if you are not watching Community you do not deserve to own a tv). But that is not what this entry is about. Community may be my favorite show - but zombies are my guilty pleasure.
Zombies and particularly zombie movies are everything that is right the world, in that they always focus on everything that will be wrong in the world when the inevitable zombie apocalypse arrives.
Destroyed buildings. Check. Dwindling supplies. Check. Mindless hordes of non-breathing past humans who will tear you to pieces and force you to retreat into shopping malls where you wait your inevitable death. Check.
More importantly zombie movies are all the same with minor variations. Something turns people into zombies. Said zombies run amok. Group of survivors attempt to stay alive. Some do. Most don't. Rinse repeat in different locations. There is something comforting about the sameness of the movies. The repetition is what makes them enjoyable. You don't have to think and that is a good thing.
Which leads me to the Walking Dead. The uber successful tv show on AMC. All my friends who watch tv comment that this show is "too predictable". They are missing the point. The whole point is for a zombie show to be predictable. The beauty of a zombie story is not in the destination - it is the slow halting shambling corpse walk of the journey.
The beauty of the walking dead is that it realises this and makes its characters nothing more than broad stereotypes. The do-gooder ranger with a heart of gold. The wife of the ranger who is cheating on the ranger's best friend. The black guy. The racist (who in a surprising turn of events clashes with the black guy). The old man. There is even a Chinese guy (who no doubt will be good at kung foo or electronics down the road).
We don't need to understand the character's motivations. The motivations are obvious - stay the fuck alive and don't get eaten by zombies.
Not every show has to be as brilliant as Community to be good.
Zombies movies are much like zombies themselves, they don't need brains... they eat brains.
I am currently only on step 2 of the twelve step program to rid of TV from my life. This step is "Come to believe that a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity."
Unfortunately for me that power is HBO, and it currently streams live to my house. I fear that I will not be progressing very far. On the plus side I now know more about the San Francisco Giants' clubhouse than I did before (the Franchise), that I do not want to go see a game of baseball in Mexico (East Bound and Down season 2), never trust eunichs or a brother who would sell you into sexual slavery in order to take over the world (Game of Thrones), that a car periscope is boss (Curb) and that Julia Stiles is not the complete and utter waste of human skin I once believed her to be (Dexter Season 5).
Currently, my favorite show is Community, but that is a topic for another day (note - if you are not watching Community you do not deserve to own a tv). But that is not what this entry is about. Community may be my favorite show - but zombies are my guilty pleasure.
Zombies and particularly zombie movies are everything that is right the world, in that they always focus on everything that will be wrong in the world when the inevitable zombie apocalypse arrives.
Destroyed buildings. Check. Dwindling supplies. Check. Mindless hordes of non-breathing past humans who will tear you to pieces and force you to retreat into shopping malls where you wait your inevitable death. Check.
More importantly zombie movies are all the same with minor variations. Something turns people into zombies. Said zombies run amok. Group of survivors attempt to stay alive. Some do. Most don't. Rinse repeat in different locations. There is something comforting about the sameness of the movies. The repetition is what makes them enjoyable. You don't have to think and that is a good thing.
Which leads me to the Walking Dead. The uber successful tv show on AMC. All my friends who watch tv comment that this show is "too predictable". They are missing the point. The whole point is for a zombie show to be predictable. The beauty of a zombie story is not in the destination - it is the slow halting shambling corpse walk of the journey.
The beauty of the walking dead is that it realises this and makes its characters nothing more than broad stereotypes. The do-gooder ranger with a heart of gold. The wife of the ranger who is cheating on the ranger's best friend. The black guy. The racist (who in a surprising turn of events clashes with the black guy). The old man. There is even a Chinese guy (who no doubt will be good at kung foo or electronics down the road).
We don't need to understand the character's motivations. The motivations are obvious - stay the fuck alive and don't get eaten by zombies.
Not every show has to be as brilliant as Community to be good.
Zombies movies are much like zombies themselves, they don't need brains... they eat brains.
10.25.2011
Why religion will fail....
Last night driving to my basketball game I had a religious awakening and it was all thanks to the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission). I was driving behind a bus that had the entire back of the bus plastered with an ad that said (and I could not make this up)... Don't celebrate Halloween, Celebrate Jesusween. This seriously exists.
It was at that point I literally had my first religious epiphany... the church needs better marketing.
I don't care about the fact that some group of people want you to celebrate Jesus rather than dress up in costumes and get candy. That is their choice (although I would imagine the lack of candy might be a hard sell to 10 year-olds).
What I care about the fact that the name for this is Jesusween. Seriously? In the space of one light I came up with a clearly better name: "Halo-ween". The fact that this name is so glaringly obvious leads to only one conclusion... belief in God breeds laziness.
Honestly, if you want me to get behind your cause and the best you can come up with is Jesusween you clearly don't want me (or my soul) enough. I am supposed to believe in an omnipotent God who can make a rock that even he can't lift - and even with this divine intervention you give me Jesusween. Maybe God really was busy helping Green Bay win on Sunday.
The default seems to be to just stick Jesus in front of everything. What are we going to do with other holidays? Thanksgiving = Jesusgiving, Valentine's day = Jesustine's day. I suppose we leave Christmas and Easter alone. I imagine we continue to pretend Hanukkah doesn't exist rather than re-branding it.
Ultimately, this ad encapsulates the problem with religion. It thinks that just mentioning Jesus is enough. If you are going to market religion on the side of a bus, then you should market. Show me you care. Or maybe you should just focus on the fact that religion is supposed to be about community and shared ideals and not on name recognition or marketing.
Either way Jesusween is unforgivable.
It was at that point I literally had my first religious epiphany... the church needs better marketing.
I don't care about the fact that some group of people want you to celebrate Jesus rather than dress up in costumes and get candy. That is their choice (although I would imagine the lack of candy might be a hard sell to 10 year-olds).
What I care about the fact that the name for this is Jesusween. Seriously? In the space of one light I came up with a clearly better name: "Halo-ween". The fact that this name is so glaringly obvious leads to only one conclusion... belief in God breeds laziness.
Honestly, if you want me to get behind your cause and the best you can come up with is Jesusween you clearly don't want me (or my soul) enough. I am supposed to believe in an omnipotent God who can make a rock that even he can't lift - and even with this divine intervention you give me Jesusween. Maybe God really was busy helping Green Bay win on Sunday.
The default seems to be to just stick Jesus in front of everything. What are we going to do with other holidays? Thanksgiving = Jesusgiving, Valentine's day = Jesustine's day. I suppose we leave Christmas and Easter alone. I imagine we continue to pretend Hanukkah doesn't exist rather than re-branding it.
Ultimately, this ad encapsulates the problem with religion. It thinks that just mentioning Jesus is enough. If you are going to market religion on the side of a bus, then you should market. Show me you care. Or maybe you should just focus on the fact that religion is supposed to be about community and shared ideals and not on name recognition or marketing.
Either way Jesusween is unforgivable.
9.28.2011
What's in a name?
The first post. The first thing that needed to be decided was the name. It needs to communicate. It needs to pop. It needs to be both sizzle and steak.
First thought was "...But there is an I in Tim". When I played little league, we used to take a knee and coach would say something about hitting or catching and end with..."remember there is no I in team". I would sit there and smugly think to myself... "but there is an I in Tim". I was the first 10 year-old who was playing for the name on the back of his jersey rather than the one on the front. However, that name just doesn't cut it.
So I did some browsing. It quickly became clear that far more important than what the name is - is what it would not be. There are a lot of Tims out there with horrible names for web sites. I quickly stumbled on whattimsays.com which is a collection of tweets from a Tim in Vancouver. As far as I can tell is the Anti-Tim (yes that's right... first post, first comparison to a religious icon. I am now bigger than the Beatles).
First off, "what tim says" is so wrong. My blog is an instruction, not a dialog. Think of it like Oprah (only with less reach). I intend to have a book club. I will have a Dr. Tim segment. I will have my favorite things. I will hide the fact that I know this much about Oprah.
More important than the title was the utter inanity of the posts on the sites. Let me just repost a few: "watching the mentalist...on the edge of my seat", "Accidentally ordered Starbucks at Tim Horton's" or "Fast and the Furious marathon!". I am sad to share my name with this individual. If you are going to have a movie marathon there are only a few legitimate choices:
1. Rocky
2. Indiana Jones
3. Alien/Aliens/Aliens3/Alien Resurrection/Predator/Predator2/Alien vs. Predator/Alien vs. Predator:Requiem)
It was in the realization that whattimsays was wrong that I found what was right. Tim does not say. Tim tells. That is the steak...when you add the sizzle...
TIM WILL TELL
and he will...stay tuned.
First thought was "...But there is an I in Tim". When I played little league, we used to take a knee and coach would say something about hitting or catching and end with..."remember there is no I in team". I would sit there and smugly think to myself... "but there is an I in Tim". I was the first 10 year-old who was playing for the name on the back of his jersey rather than the one on the front. However, that name just doesn't cut it.
So I did some browsing. It quickly became clear that far more important than what the name is - is what it would not be. There are a lot of Tims out there with horrible names for web sites. I quickly stumbled on whattimsays.com which is a collection of tweets from a Tim in Vancouver. As far as I can tell is the Anti-Tim (yes that's right... first post, first comparison to a religious icon. I am now bigger than the Beatles).
First off, "what tim says" is so wrong. My blog is an instruction, not a dialog. Think of it like Oprah (only with less reach). I intend to have a book club. I will have a Dr. Tim segment. I will have my favorite things. I will hide the fact that I know this much about Oprah.
More important than the title was the utter inanity of the posts on the sites. Let me just repost a few: "watching the mentalist...on the edge of my seat", "Accidentally ordered Starbucks at Tim Horton's" or "Fast and the Furious marathon!". I am sad to share my name with this individual. If you are going to have a movie marathon there are only a few legitimate choices:
1. Rocky
2. Indiana Jones
3. Alien/Aliens/Aliens3/Alien Resurrection/Predator/Predator2/Alien vs. Predator/Alien vs. Predator:Requiem)
It was in the realization that whattimsays was wrong that I found what was right. Tim does not say. Tim tells. That is the steak...when you add the sizzle...
TIM WILL TELL
and he will...stay tuned.
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