Conclusive proof the world is going downhill.

I love Christmas.  It is my wife's favorite holiday and somehow over the years her joy has rubbed off on me.  I also love gingerbread and gingerbread increases exponentially in December.  

The only bad part about Christmas is that it has served as a constant reminder to me that the world is irreconcilably worse than it was during my childhood.

This is not because of the commercialization of Christmas.  I love commercialization if for no other reason than it allows me to understand that the vast majority of people are either stupider than me or eviler than me.  This is made clear by television ads. 

I was watching TV last night.  Unfortunately, I watched the last Community for some time. Maybe forever. During the episode one character rapped during the episode "If years were seasons, this December would be the December of our December".  That is very meta, but very sad.

During the episode there were two ads which were mind boggling for different reasons.

The first was an ad for orange juice.  I think it proves people are evil.  Evidently there is special orange juice that saves your heart by lowering your cholesterol because of plant extracts put in the juice.  However, in very small type in the corner of the ad it says: "product intended only for adults."  Now this can mean only one of two things.  Either the product is actually harmful for children or there are people who are are trying to lower their children's cholesterol. 

Either of those things is evil. 

I personally hope that the juice is actually bad for children as it would open up the door for the best lawsuit ever when grieving parents sue "Big Juice" for poisoning their children and the company tries to rely on the small print on a television ad.  I suspect that might not work.  Inevitably, it would lead to redesign of the label of the orange juice carton to prominently feature the words "will harm your children" in big black letters with a skull and crossbones.   I would buy that juice.

The second ad was not for orange juice, but for oranges.  These ads followed each other back-to-back.  This would seem like natural competition and not very well planned.  Maybe I am the only person who thought, wait a minute, if I buy oranges I can make orange juice.   Anyways, the ad for oranges also had small print.  It featured a small girl eating oranges while lying on a couch and the fine print said "eating oranges while lying down may result in choking". 

This is stupid for two reasons.  First, you shouldn't need to be told that.   Second, if you do need to be told that you probably missed the uber small writing on the ad itself.

However, the more I thought about it the more I thought all ads should have such fine print.  For example, ads for galaxy tablets really should just say "Buying this product may make you wish you had not been so cheap and just bought an Ipad".   Ads for those things you stick in your ears so you can talk on your cellphone could just say "wearing these products will make you look like a loser". 

So it is definitely not the commercialization of Christmas that makes me know the world is going downhill.

It is the fact that the Swiss Chalet festive meal special now features Lindt chocolates. 

Give me back my Toblerone bar you Christmas ruining assholes.

What they don't want you to know about Oil Rigs...

As I have said numerous times I watch a lot of TV on DVDs.  I find it comforting to have a whole season there to be watched all in one sitting.  I can't imagine people watching shows weekly, especially with the season-ending cliff-hangers.  Why wait in anticipation to see who the secret Cylon is when you can just pop in the next DVD and find out.  Suspense is overrated - instant gratifciation is way better.  This is proven conclusively by the existence of the "buy it now" button on eBay.

While watching said DVDs I always have to watch the stupid copyright screen.  You know - the one you can't skip over.  But I realised that imbedded in them is a huge secret.  Amongst other things it tells you it is illegal to watch the DVD in schools, prison and oil rigs.  Now I already knew that schools and prisons were fabulous places with non-stop parties and movie shows (proven by Welcome Back, Kotter, Oz and Prison Break).  But I never suspected that oil rigs were such happening places.  I always figured them to be dirty, smelly places where large men swung comically huge wrenches around. 

I think I have been deceived. 

If you think about it oil rigs are the perfect place to have a massive party with non-stop movies and dancing.  They are secluded, large and on international waters.  Think about it for a second.  The more you do the more you realize that oil rigs are heaven on earth. 

What is the biggest disaster we know about involving an oil rig?  I would say that whole BP petroleum thing.  Did those people seem sober to you?  They were obviously stoned or drunk off of the massive party they were having when someone pressed a button they shouldn't have and suddenly the whole world was watching.  It was the equivalent to breaking a vase at a house party while the parents are away and drunkenly trying to piece it all together so "no one will notice". 

All things considered BP did a pretty good job. 

If I am right (and I do not see how I can be wrong) I suspect that the Oiluminati already know that I know.  If I stop posting they have got me.  Don't worry about me though.  I suspect that I could get used to living my life on an oil rig (baby and wife by my side), the fresh sea air in my face, watching illegal DVDs and thumbing my nose at copyright law. 

It's a pirate's life for me.