Won't Somebody Think of our Children

So Ontario is updating its sex education curriculum. 

Predictably, parents marched on Queen's Park to protest the fact that government was interfering too much in the role of parents and should not take over their responsibility.  According to the Toronto Star parents had issues with the following items [My imagined placards for the protest in brackets]:

• Grade 1 - learning proper names of your body [Pee Pee 4 Life]
 
• Grade 3-  learning about same-sex relationships [Everyone is Awesome ...except "you" people over there, but I am not homophobic. I have lots of gay friends.  I just prefer that my child doesn't learn anything about them or that they are deserving of equal treatment. I mean I believe in teaching people about equality of race, religion and all that.  But come on this is a  bridge too far.  I mean we can't teach our children to respect gay people because that would be undermine my marriage.  Why you ask? Um....well... I would love to answer that, but my hand is getting tired from holding this giant sign] 
• Grade 6 - answering (when prompted) about masturbation  [Don't ask.  Don't touch]
 
• Grade 7 - learning that anal and oral sex also carries a risk of STDs [What I don't want to know can't hurt me]

Now I know you may think from my acerbic tone that I do not agree with the parents.  You would be wrong.

 

Now I do believe that sex education is like math and all our children should have basic rudimentary understanding of certain things.  All our children should know that 1+1 might equal 3 if we don't plan ahead, that the square root of 4761 can be fantastic and the answer to the age old brain teaser:

 

"If train A leaves Dorset station at 9:00 pm going east at 72 mph and Train B leaves Avon Station at 9:30 going west at 86 mph, what is the failure rate of the condom worn by the couple doing it in the dining car washroom?"
 

However, the parents are right that the government has no place educating our children about sex.   I mean have you seen our math scores (proven by the fact that you didn't know that the square root of 4761 is 69).  

 

I propose a more elegant solution.  Think of it as a more formalized "learn it from the schoolyards". 

 

Each young child will be paired with an older student who has experienced "it" before.   By "it" I mean that thing that you do when you like like a person.  This will be an updated "reading buddy" program.  I call it "sex buddies", but agree that the name could use a little work.

 

My program has several elements.  Each is critical to its success.

 

First, the match will be totally random.  It will essentially be luck of the draw.  We might pair a homosexual youth with the most bigoted homophobe out there.  This would inevitably lead to a healthy debate where each side feels their views are being heard and respected. Or potentially suicide.

 

Second, there will be no formal education for anyone in the buddy program.  We won't ensure that the buddy knows anything about sexual transmitted diseases, the concept of consent, sexting or anything else of substance.  The only important point is that they are older.  We won't even check to make sure that they believe in equality of sexes or sexual orientation.  All of that stuff will just sort itself out in the wash.  

 

Third, we won't schedule any actual meetings and we won't monitor the program effectiveness at all.  We want this to be an organic thing.  Now I know you may be worried that this may lead to no actual meetings.  I trust that the buddies will be really excited to discuss this thing that they may be ashamed to talk about.   

 

Finally, there will be no accountability.  No one will be able to ask anything of anyone involved in the program because it is none of our business.  It is purely between the child and their buddy.

 

Essentially, my program will ensure that our children's knowledge of a critical part of life (and the cause of many potential problems in adolescence) will be taught to them by someone with no formal training, with potentially all kinds of bias and with no oversight by anyone. 

 

Now I know you may think that this program is essentially the same as having the parent teach the child, but my program is better.  I mean talking with your child about sex... awkward.  If only there were educated professionals who were trained to teach our kids about important things in a manner that fostered learning and inclusiveness with regulated oversight.  But we don't live in such a wonderful utopia.  We have to deal with the real world.

 

I mean it worked for us, so it will work for our kids, right?   Anyways, if it didn't work for us it won't matter.  Without formalized sex-education we will be the ones teaching our children all of our failings and misinformation.  This is the circular logic of life.

 

Just don't blame the internet, MTV or society when your child gets a sexual transmitted disease because they didn't know how to prevent it.

 

You only have yourself to blame.  

 

 

 

Moments...

So yes it has been a long while.  I had things to do.  Get over it/Welcome back. 

Recently, I watched two movies that were very different.  "Boyhood" and "Into the Woods".  One was bad.  One was about as good as you could make a movie based on the material. 

Both dealt with moments.

The first was Boyhood.  Let me start by saying I love the director Richard Linklater.  I love the Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight trilogy and also am a big fan of Waking Life and Dazed and Confused.  So I was very primed to see this.  It had gotten rave reviews and is the presumptive favorite to win the Oscar for best picture.  So it was the good one right?

It was horrible.

The only thing it had going for it was the fact that it was shot over like 15 years so we get to see the young boy and his sister age before our eyes.  The problem was there was no story to go along with it.  Okay I know what you are thinking.  The point was that  you got to see little moments of the life of the boy growing up and get a sense of who he is.

But you didn't.  I didn't feel I knew the character at all.  In fact the moments were so clichéd it was ridiculous.  Alcoholic father throwing glasses.  Check.  Family moving around.  Check.  Kid struggling against authority and being told what to do.  Check.   There was a scene where the kid literally sit and stared at a dead sparrow.  Are you fucking kidding me?

There is one scene in the movie is so ridiculously pathetic that it defies description (but I am going to try anyways).  At one point the mother needs a septic line replaced.  The worker who is Mexican is digging up the pipe and is nice and good at his job.  There is this pause in everything going on and the mother says he should consider going to community college and that he is smart and this is something he could do to make his life better.  Like the true Checkov's gun that this was, years later at just the right time when the mother is giving her kids advice guess who shows up as the manager at a restaurant, after having worked his way through community college and having had his whole life turned around by this one casual conversation.  You guessed it.  It was ridiculous and truly unreal. 

Also, the "boy" couldn't act.  This is to be expected when you cast a 4 year old and hope for the best.  But he just wasn't any good.  But everyone is so enamored with the fact that this took 15 years to film that they neglect that what was filmed is not that good.  The film had no point.  It had no message.  In the end it literally ends by saying life is a series of moments and pans up into the sky.  

This lead me to think of the other movie I watched over the Christmas Break - Into the Woods.  I love this musical.  It is Stephen Sondheim at his lyrical best. 

However, I thought that the movie would be horrible (see my thoughts on Les Miz in another column).  I cringed at Johnny Depp and Meryl Strep being cast.  I wondered if Disney would let the film be as dark as it is and allow the wolf to seriously be the child predator he needs to be when stalking little red riding hood. 

I shouldn't have been worried.  While it wasn't perfect it was about as good as you could do with the material in a non-live setting.  It was remarkably restrained in a way Les Miz was not.  The acting was terrific, the singing was good and there is one scene (where two princes try to out do each other) which was about as perfectly cast and staged as it could have been.

However, Richard Linklater should have listened to one of the songs in Into the Woods.  At one point in the movie near the end one of the character notes that:

           "Oh. If life were made of moments,
            Even now and then a bad one!
            But if life were only moments,
            Then you'd never know you had one."

That was the problem with Boyhood.  It was only moments.  It wasn't story.  It wasn't life.

Canada attacks

So I was reading the newspaper today and I came across the following story.

http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2013/05/29/beavers_kill_man_trying_to_pose_for_photo.html

You can read the article if you want, but the title says it all - Beavers Kill Man Trying to Pose for Photo.  Don't worry the man was from Belarus, so it is probably not someone you know.

My mind went immediately to three things.

None of them were this man's family.  If your father or husband gets killed by a beaver I suspect that he is not exactly a candidate for "world's best dad".  I suspect the 'grieving widow' may be donating a large portion of the life insurance proceeds to 'dam-nation', an organization that looks after the well-being of beavers (if there is such an organization and that is not its name something is wrong with the world). 

The first thing was that I knew it all along.  I have long suspected that beavers and otters use their cute little hands and swimming in order to lure us closer so they can eat us.  Otters especially seem to be evil creatures (swimming raccoons if you will).   I believe they swim around waiting to grab unsuspecting children at Marineland and feast on their eyeballs.  At least that is how they always appear to me.

The second thing is that this just shows that Canada is not investing in its military properly.  We have a great weapon of mass destruction at our fingertips.  1000s of beavers.  We can equip them with armor and weapons (I say lasers) and send them at not only the Belarusians, but all of Canada's enemies.  

The third and most important thing is that I want to see a copy of the pictures that were taken as the beaver mauled the man.  I think they should be put in a slideshow and played on an endless loop at his funeral.

What can I say.  My city is being run by a crack addict.  It truly is everybody for themselves. 

Apologies are in order.

It appears that television was not perfected last night.  It was already perfected two months ago.

Evidently, Splash was not the first celebrity diving show to air in North America.  In January 2013 Fox ran a show called Stars in Danger: The High Dive which featured stars such as JWOW and Twitch from So You Think You Can Dance performing high dives.

Splash was not an original idea (I know it hurts my heart too).  In fact it turns out Splash is already a hit in the Netherlands.  So at best Splash is the third celebrity diving show worldwide with more on the way.  If network TV is right (and I don't see how it can ever be wrong) public demand for high-diving competition is at such an all time high that we are demanding multiple shows about high diving to be on prime-time television. 

We all need to pay attention.  How many of us have dove lately?  Do you even know what a triple gainer is?  Can you name a diver other than Greg Luganis (note - saying "that Chinese guy who did all the flips last Olympics doesn't count").  People wake up and smell the chlorine.  I for one am now well versed in all things diving.

However, our lack of knowledge is not the biggest problem.  We may have a serious shortage on our hands.   How are we going to make shows if we have already used the d-list celebrities we have? Watching Kareem Abdul Jabar is fine the first season, but we have to think long term here.  What are we going to do for Splash Season 2 (the Wettening).  How are we going to cast Splash - All Stars (Return to the Pool) where previous winners of Splash stars worldwide will compete for the crown (or should I say bathing cap) of Splash Ultimate Champion.  We need to ensure that this amazing idea lives on.

I have the solution.  If we keep having other reality shows we will ensure that there is enough grist for the ongoing mill that is celebrity diving.   Take JWOW.  She is herself a celebrity because of a reality show (Jersey Shore) and now she is a diving puppet for our amusement.  Much like planting Christmas trees, if we ensure that we make at least two non-celebrity diving shows each year we will always have celebrities to fuel the insatiable public demand for diving.

So the next time you scoff at a particularly crazy reality show just remember that without that show we will not have an even stupider show down the line.
If you don't take the leap of faith from the high dive board you will never end up in the idyllic lagoon of your television dreams.   You also never end-up bleeding and alone in a pool of despair after smashing you head a la Mr. Luganis in the 3m springboard competition at the Seoul Olympics in 1988.

The choice is yours.  I personally am willing to risk my brain being clubbed in by inanity for the promise of a brighter future where celebrities risk life and limb for my amusement.

They finally did it!

Today is a historic day.  We will tell our kids about this day.  We will speak in hushed tones about it. 

We will mark March 19 on our calendars.  We will pay tribute to it.  We will remember.

For today is the day they perfected television.

I am of course talking about Splash.  The perfect television show.

Splash pairs celebrities and diving.  I know - I know - It is heaven.  Splash has a 65 year old Kareem Abdul Jabar trying to perform a summersault. Splash has Ndamukong Suh  (a 300 pound linebacker from the Detroit Lions) attempting a swan dive.  Splash has Rudy from the Cosby Show in a swimsuit and pairs her against comic Louie Anderson. 

Splash has synchronised swimmers kicking into commercial breaks.

 I can't think of a better program. Wait....Wait....I spoke too soon.  There are several better ideas.


Jump - Celebrity Skipping

Fall - Celebrity Parkour

Slide  - Celebrity Luge

and of course

Pong - Celebrity Table Tennis.


It turns out TV truly has no limit to the heights it can reach or the depths it will dive to.

What time is It? It's time to watch!

I am comfortable with the fact that I spend a lot of time watching TV.  There is nothing that can be done about that.  How can I resist the copious amounts of mind numbing entertainment one button push away?  What am I supposed to do, go for a walk?  You know that right now there is both an episode of 'till debt do us part' and 'strorage wars' on (these are both on 24 hours a day. I am beginning to suspect that, ironically, Gail Vaz-Oxlade owes a debt to some seriously powerful people and she is essentially an indentured servant).

What I didn't realise is the amount of kids shows I would watch after becoming a parent.   You see my genes are strong and my son also loves TV.  Except he has terrible taste in shows.  I figured we would be watching the Wire together.  Instead, we watch Bubble Guppies.  OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 

Now all of this repeated viewing has taught me somethings.  First, I now realise that the Sun is indeed a beautiful Sun and it goes around and around us.   That said I am starting to see the hidden stories that exist in each of these shows.  I also am noticing that there is serious need for some fact checking.

Allow me to now pass judgment on the following:

Bubble Guppies

• Lobsters doctors should not sing about the 'bones inside them'.  Lobsters do not have bones.  They have an exo-skeletons. 
• These fish live under water.  Yet nothing behaves as it would underwater.  My son is not going to understand fluid dynamics. 
• Why the hell is Nonny always frowning?  Is it because he has glasses and Molly (his crush) doesn't give a second look, instead preferring all look and no substance Gil? 
• Are you telling me that Goby (the only Black bubble guppy) is not on the Fishketball team?  I don't buy it.

Max and Ruby

• To quote the joker: "Where does he get those marvelous toys".  Max has the highest tech toys possible.  He has like remote control blimps and rockets with real fire.  I am pretty sure these do not exist. 
• Where are there parents?  I mean Max and Ruby live by themselves in a giant house.  The only adult involved in their lives is their Grandmother.  I have a theory on this.  Keep reading.
• What is up with Ruby?  Sometimes she is very nice to Max, but often she is the biggest bitch possible.  She tells Max to shut up and leave her alone when all Max wants to do is let her that t her chameleon has escaped.  She just doesn't listen.  I am very troubled by her bi-polar nature.   I think this explains the lack of parents.  I am 99% sure that Ruby (in a manic episode) killed her parents when they tried to take her out of the cult she was in (bunny scouts).  On the advice of the leader she offed them and has been taking care of Max ever since.  I am pretty sure we will see all of this in a series of flashbacks at the end of the season in a huge cliffhanger.  Max's word for the episode will be 'murder'.

Fireman Sam

• What the hell is wrong with this show? Why are the characters so sexist (at one point the lone female firefighter is told to stay in the kitchen while the men go fight the fires).
• What is up with Norman?  His voice is the most annoying thing ever.  He also literally sets a fire every episode.  This is a small town.  This kid is just torching a building everyday.  Do they not have juvenile detention in England?
• I think that the fire station is funding Norman to start fires so that there will be no questioning of why this small town afford a fire station and a rescue boat and a helicopter.  It makes no economic sense otherwise.   I also pretty sure Norman is Fireman Sam's illegitimate child.  

Thomas the Tank Engine

• Do you all see that Mr. Topenhat is running a totalitarian regime in which the engines are caught under his thumb and made to be useful or suffer the consequences?  The only one who understands the injustice of it all is Toby.  But he's too square to do anything about it.  If only Thomas would open his eyes and become the leader he was meant to be and start the revolution. 
• Also, Thomas should totally shunt Emily.  Am I right?

Toopy and Binoo

• There is nothing strange or weird about this show at all.  This show is very true to life and in no way will cause my child to suffer the equivalent of an acid flashback when he is older.  Way to go Quebec.

At least my son will be able to say that everything he learned,  he learned (wrong) from TV.

In Soviet Russia Cars Drive You

I am sure you all have heard about the meteor that almost hit the earth.  I am sure you all saw the footage of it from Russia.  It was awe-inspiring and amazing.... and all that.  But the meteor coming close (not really) to hitting the earth buried the real story. 

Living in Russia is like playing a real-life video game.

You see most of the footage of the meteor was captured by dash board cameras from Russians.  Why are there dash-board cameras in Russia, you ask.  It seems that there are a lot of corrupt cops in Russia and the best protection from being falsely arrested and thrown in the gulag is to have evidence that you were just minding your business driving your beets to the local borscht making factory when you were pulled out of your car by KGB agents and forced to dance the Cossack dance while said agents threw matryoshka dolls at you. 

You may have noticed that my last example shows that I know nothing about Russian culture.  I am sure it is a varied tapestry of experiences that I unfairly reduced to the most obvious caricatures that I have gleaned from television.  That being said, Russia is seriously fucked up.

Take a look at the compilation of videos captured from Russian car cams in the following link.

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=50141258n

Did you see that?  There was gun shootings, crazy car crashes, helicopters buzzing by and an airplane landing on the freeway.  Life in Russia is obviously way cooler than all of the Die Hard movies put together.  It is no wonder that Russia has banned adoptions to the United States.  They are afraid of giving them the next generation of action superheroes.  Now I know that the 'occurances' that were taped will likely harm some babies, but those that survive to adulthood are inevitably the next  John McClane or Martin Riggs.  You have to look at the silver lining.  Given what I know about superheroes from comics, Chernobyl must have resulted in at least one superhuman that the Russian government has kept secret and who will ultimately be used to gain global supremacy. 

Now I know that it is probably true that if there were dashboard cameras on every car in Canada we could probably film some crazy shit too.  But, we generally do not fear our police and as such we don't film everything and no one knows about the crazy shit we go through on a day-to-day basis.  

Because of our trust our legacy is lost.

If we fear more, we will record more.  If we record more we will see more of the bad shit that happens to others.  If we see more of this, we will fear more. 

I for one am investing in dashboard cameras.

The reason why I did it

I, like so many Canadians, watched the Superbowl last night.  It was amazing.  But, like other Canadians, I am now going to be arrested because I am going to have to try and kill the lead actress from CTV's "Motive".

Normally the commercials are the best part of the Superbowl. This is only true in America. In Canada, every second commercial was for Motive which was (as we were informed) airing after the Superbowl.

It started off ok.  There was an ad for Motive.  I was mildly intrigued.  Then the ad aired again.  And again.  And agian. 

Then there was a power outage during the game and the ad aired approximately 1000 more times.  It slowly drove me insane.  I begged the TV to stop.  But it just kept going.  It kept taunting me.   I slowly started to see that the show was secretly the work of the devil. 

As far as I can tell while other shows ask who, what, where and when - Motive dares to ask the question why?

So I have a couple why questions for it:

Why would you think that exploring motive is a new idea when literally every crime show does this already? I mean the whole ending of every show is always the explanation of why something happened.  Have you watched CSI? Law and Order?

Why would a cop not care about the who, what, where and how?  I suspect that real cops don't give a shit why something happens as long as they find out who did what to who. 

I purposefully left the channel on and waited for Motive to start and immediately turned it off the moment it came on so that whoever watches viewing habits would know that I disapprove.  

I suspect no one noticed. 

They were to busy learning from good commercials that only aired in America why God made farmers or learning about a goat who eats Doritos.  I didn't learn about any of those things.  I learned that Canadians make horrible shows and have horrible promos for them. 

Why am not surprised?

Our fine furry friends

I was reading the newspaper on my way to work yesterday and I read an article about the fight by Toronto parents to improve a local school by cleaning-up a raccoon infested portable where their children are taught.

This article made me realise what a sorry state our city is in.  No one is thinking about the bigger picture.  Everyone is so caught up in their own little lives that the larger point is being lost on them. 

These parents are looking to get rid of potentially the best thing that could ever have happened to them. 

You might at first blush think that having children share their learning space with a feral animal would be a bad thing.  Clearly, you know nothing about raccoons.

Now don't get me wrong.  I, unlike most people, do not think that raccoons are cute and cuddly.  I think they are evil spawns of the devil that must be eradicated.  I am at constant war with our neighbourhood raccoons over our green bin.  A war I am losing.

That said these raccoons could be a very good motivator.  Imagine your child is in the classroom with the raccoons (which will now be referred to as the coon house).  That teacher now has a powerful incentive for your child to perform well.  If you don't you are going to have your desk moved near the coon hole and may God have mercy on your soul.

Also, given that raccoons are nocturnal it also seems to be a natural solution to funding issues.  Rather than hire security staff we just populate our schools with raccoons and let them deal with any after hours issues for us.  Win Win.  Plus, I imagine that there will be a whole lot less clamouring for extra-curriculars.  I for one would want to get my child out of Dodge before the raccoons wake up and start searching for fresh children to munch on (raccoons will eat anything and I am sure over the years they will develop a taste for kindergartners).

The media is also all-over obesity in children.  What is a better incentive to get fit than avoiding being eaten by a large rat-faced creature?  Not only will our kids be fitter they will be instilled with a healthy fear for mother nature.

I am so sick of these helicopter parents bubble wrapping their kids and insisting that they never have to deal with real life issues like how to cross the street by themselves or the best way to fight-off a flesh crazed mammal who is consumed by blood lust and living in your classroom.  If our kids don't learn how to deal with such bullies now, how will they ever be able to stand up to Bob in accounting later down the line?

Now an added benefit for me would be that if the raccoons are in schools contentedly munching on textbooks, they will not be trying to eat my garbage.  That is not the reason I suggest this.  I am only thinking of your children.  Now, I suppose the raccoons might try and eat my kid when he goes to school, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.  No need to worry about that right now. 

These parents are looking a gift-coon in its rabies-filled mouth.

Captive Audience

I got stuck on the TTC.   Again.  

This time there was a passenger alarm activated.  I don't know what that means, but it better have been serious because I once again sweated through another dress shirt.  At this rate I am going to need to invest in a new wardrobe or botox treatments. 

This time I tried to look on the bright side.  The delay meant I got to spend time with my fellow Torontonians.  I got to experience my fellow man.  Unfortunately, the fellow next to me was listening to his iPod way too loud and man did it cause me to want to strangle him.

In order to not strangle him, I proceeded to shuffle around until I was far enough away so I could hear myself think.  Lo and behold I was left in front of the stupidest thing I have ever seen.

It was an ad to help problem gamblers.  I stared at it in disbelief.  Let's see if you have the same reaction I did.

The ad is here (go take a look I will wait)

http://safeorsorry.ca/pdf/SafeorSorryPrintMaterials2012.pdf

So what was wrong with the ad?

First, it seems like a safe sex ad.  Is it not even clear that it is a problem gambling ad right away.  Why did they name it hearts?  That just further complicates things.  I mean who gambles on hearts?

But that is not why it is an idiotic ad.  I was able to figure out it was an ad for problem gambling.  Then I read the fine print on the bottom where it says "Take our quiz online for a chance at a home entertainment system."

So let me get this straight.  You want to reach a bunch of problem gamblers.  You presumably want to get them to realise that gambling is something they should consciously avoid.  So you lure them to your site by getting them to engage in a contest where they have a chance at winning a prize.  You get them to give up gambling by getting them to gamble.  Seriously?

Does Jenny Craig get people to sign up for diets by offering a discount for all members at KFC?

Maybe the theory is that the quiz will be like methadone for heroin users.  Or maybe the people behind preventing gambling are just stupid idiots.  I suspect it is the latter.

I started to look around me and realised that the TTC is the only place where I am forced to see ads.  With all the signal delays I am literally stuck looking at ads for hours at a time.  There is nothing I can do.  I can't fast forward, I can't switch the channel, I don't want to look my fellow man in the eye. 

I am truly a captive audience. 

One  would think that this should mean that the ads would be amazing.  The TTC should have Superbowl quality ads.  My morning commute should be a wonderful experience where I get the best that the ad world has to offer.

Instead, I get ads for non-profit entities which paradoxically probably serve to make the problem they are trying to solve worse.

It was too much for me.  It all hit me at once.  The ad was a microcosm of the world around  us where things are being done with no sense of purpose and no actual intent.  I cried out at the utter insanity of it all. 

No one noticed. 

The other passengers just continued to bob along to the music on their iPods, oblivious to the world around them.