Apologies are in order.

It appears that television was not perfected last night.  It was already perfected two months ago.

Evidently, Splash was not the first celebrity diving show to air in North America.  In January 2013 Fox ran a show called Stars in Danger: The High Dive which featured stars such as JWOW and Twitch from So You Think You Can Dance performing high dives.

Splash was not an original idea (I know it hurts my heart too).  In fact it turns out Splash is already a hit in the Netherlands.  So at best Splash is the third celebrity diving show worldwide with more on the way.  If network TV is right (and I don't see how it can ever be wrong) public demand for high-diving competition is at such an all time high that we are demanding multiple shows about high diving to be on prime-time television. 

We all need to pay attention.  How many of us have dove lately?  Do you even know what a triple gainer is?  Can you name a diver other than Greg Luganis (note - saying "that Chinese guy who did all the flips last Olympics doesn't count").  People wake up and smell the chlorine.  I for one am now well versed in all things diving.

However, our lack of knowledge is not the biggest problem.  We may have a serious shortage on our hands.   How are we going to make shows if we have already used the d-list celebrities we have? Watching Kareem Abdul Jabar is fine the first season, but we have to think long term here.  What are we going to do for Splash Season 2 (the Wettening).  How are we going to cast Splash - All Stars (Return to the Pool) where previous winners of Splash stars worldwide will compete for the crown (or should I say bathing cap) of Splash Ultimate Champion.  We need to ensure that this amazing idea lives on.

I have the solution.  If we keep having other reality shows we will ensure that there is enough grist for the ongoing mill that is celebrity diving.   Take JWOW.  She is herself a celebrity because of a reality show (Jersey Shore) and now she is a diving puppet for our amusement.  Much like planting Christmas trees, if we ensure that we make at least two non-celebrity diving shows each year we will always have celebrities to fuel the insatiable public demand for diving.

So the next time you scoff at a particularly crazy reality show just remember that without that show we will not have an even stupider show down the line.
If you don't take the leap of faith from the high dive board you will never end up in the idyllic lagoon of your television dreams.   You also never end-up bleeding and alone in a pool of despair after smashing you head a la Mr. Luganis in the 3m springboard competition at the Seoul Olympics in 1988.

The choice is yours.  I personally am willing to risk my brain being clubbed in by inanity for the promise of a brighter future where celebrities risk life and limb for my amusement.

They finally did it!

Today is a historic day.  We will tell our kids about this day.  We will speak in hushed tones about it. 

We will mark March 19 on our calendars.  We will pay tribute to it.  We will remember.

For today is the day they perfected television.

I am of course talking about Splash.  The perfect television show.

Splash pairs celebrities and diving.  I know - I know - It is heaven.  Splash has a 65 year old Kareem Abdul Jabar trying to perform a summersault. Splash has Ndamukong Suh  (a 300 pound linebacker from the Detroit Lions) attempting a swan dive.  Splash has Rudy from the Cosby Show in a swimsuit and pairs her against comic Louie Anderson. 

Splash has synchronised swimmers kicking into commercial breaks.

 I can't think of a better program. Wait....Wait....I spoke too soon.  There are several better ideas.


Jump - Celebrity Skipping

Fall - Celebrity Parkour

Slide  - Celebrity Luge

and of course

Pong - Celebrity Table Tennis.


It turns out TV truly has no limit to the heights it can reach or the depths it will dive to.

What time is It? It's time to watch!

I am comfortable with the fact that I spend a lot of time watching TV.  There is nothing that can be done about that.  How can I resist the copious amounts of mind numbing entertainment one button push away?  What am I supposed to do, go for a walk?  You know that right now there is both an episode of 'till debt do us part' and 'strorage wars' on (these are both on 24 hours a day. I am beginning to suspect that, ironically, Gail Vaz-Oxlade owes a debt to some seriously powerful people and she is essentially an indentured servant).

What I didn't realise is the amount of kids shows I would watch after becoming a parent.   You see my genes are strong and my son also loves TV.  Except he has terrible taste in shows.  I figured we would be watching the Wire together.  Instead, we watch Bubble Guppies.  OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 

Now all of this repeated viewing has taught me somethings.  First, I now realise that the Sun is indeed a beautiful Sun and it goes around and around us.   That said I am starting to see the hidden stories that exist in each of these shows.  I also am noticing that there is serious need for some fact checking.

Allow me to now pass judgment on the following:

Bubble Guppies

• Lobsters doctors should not sing about the 'bones inside them'.  Lobsters do not have bones.  They have an exo-skeletons. 
• These fish live under water.  Yet nothing behaves as it would underwater.  My son is not going to understand fluid dynamics. 
• Why the hell is Nonny always frowning?  Is it because he has glasses and Molly (his crush) doesn't give a second look, instead preferring all look and no substance Gil? 
• Are you telling me that Goby (the only Black bubble guppy) is not on the Fishketball team?  I don't buy it.

Max and Ruby

• To quote the joker: "Where does he get those marvelous toys".  Max has the highest tech toys possible.  He has like remote control blimps and rockets with real fire.  I am pretty sure these do not exist. 
• Where are there parents?  I mean Max and Ruby live by themselves in a giant house.  The only adult involved in their lives is their Grandmother.  I have a theory on this.  Keep reading.
• What is up with Ruby?  Sometimes she is very nice to Max, but often she is the biggest bitch possible.  She tells Max to shut up and leave her alone when all Max wants to do is let her that t her chameleon has escaped.  She just doesn't listen.  I am very troubled by her bi-polar nature.   I think this explains the lack of parents.  I am 99% sure that Ruby (in a manic episode) killed her parents when they tried to take her out of the cult she was in (bunny scouts).  On the advice of the leader she offed them and has been taking care of Max ever since.  I am pretty sure we will see all of this in a series of flashbacks at the end of the season in a huge cliffhanger.  Max's word for the episode will be 'murder'.

Fireman Sam

• What the hell is wrong with this show? Why are the characters so sexist (at one point the lone female firefighter is told to stay in the kitchen while the men go fight the fires).
• What is up with Norman?  His voice is the most annoying thing ever.  He also literally sets a fire every episode.  This is a small town.  This kid is just torching a building everyday.  Do they not have juvenile detention in England?
• I think that the fire station is funding Norman to start fires so that there will be no questioning of why this small town afford a fire station and a rescue boat and a helicopter.  It makes no economic sense otherwise.   I also pretty sure Norman is Fireman Sam's illegitimate child.  

Thomas the Tank Engine

• Do you all see that Mr. Topenhat is running a totalitarian regime in which the engines are caught under his thumb and made to be useful or suffer the consequences?  The only one who understands the injustice of it all is Toby.  But he's too square to do anything about it.  If only Thomas would open his eyes and become the leader he was meant to be and start the revolution. 
• Also, Thomas should totally shunt Emily.  Am I right?

Toopy and Binoo

• There is nothing strange or weird about this show at all.  This show is very true to life and in no way will cause my child to suffer the equivalent of an acid flashback when he is older.  Way to go Quebec.

At least my son will be able to say that everything he learned,  he learned (wrong) from TV.