My office recently shifted from bottled still water to Perrier so I now drink a bottle of it each day. The drink itself is unquestionably effervescent. It dances on my tongue and adds a little zip to my day. However, I irrationally suspect it is also killing me slowly.
I just don't trust it. The bubbles seem evil. I tried to tell my wife, but she said I was being "crazy".
So, I googled "Perrier is bad for you" and I realised I was not alone. There are many people who are more insane than I am.
One person said that all water is bad in that it can lead to "water intoxication" in which someone rapidly drinks so much water that it changes their "osmotic gradient" and causes brain swelling and even death. Evidently, any kind of water will do that, not just the sparkling kinds, so I don't need to specifically worry about Perrier.
Can you imagine the water cooler talk over that one? "Poor Jimmy, he was just here drinking his water and talking about the premiere of 'Once Upon a Time' and then - POW - his head exploded. Poor Bastard. That osmotic gradient will get you every time."
Another poster pointed out that Perrier was unquestionably part of the "big water" conspiracy that (and I could not make this up) invents hurricanes to spur water sales. I already knew an overdose of water can kill you (drowning), I just never thought it would be part of a grander scheme which invented natural disasters.
This got me thinking - how much proof do I have that Hurricane Katrina really happened? I mean I know George Bush hates black people because Kanye West told me so. I also know Mike Myers' teleprompter reading skill cannot be stopped by anything happening around him. But, I didn't really see the destruction first hand? What if "big water" really was behind it all?
Ultimately, my craziness can only go so far. I distrust bubbles, but I can't distrust the entire world. I am thankful my crazy is easy to fix. I just buy a Brita.
I also am not the craziest person on this issue and that makes me feel a little better inside.
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