When it came time to name our son it was quickly decided that the first name would be the sole purview of my wife. This is because I would undoubtedly name my child something horrible.
My first choice would have been Yam. This was for one reason and one reason only. If you name a child Yam he is much likelier to have the nick name "sweet potato". Sweet Potato is a great nickname. I thought that if I could give my child a greater chance at a killer nickname I was already giving him one step ahead in this cruel world.
If I had twins I would name them Xylem and Phloem. These are beautiful names and good for girls, boys or one of each. They are also the two parts of the circulatory system of plants. That is an added bonus.
The one that absolutely made it so that I was out of the naming duties was that I strongly feel that the names of STDs are great names for girls. If you think about it Syphilis and Chlamydia are beautiful names that have been unfortunately associated with horrible things. It would have the added benefit of ensuring that my little girls would never go on a date until they could legally change their names.
Why can we not name ugly diseases with ugly names. I think Helga and Syphilis should switch places.
On that topic, I strongly believe that Asperger Syndrome should be the new name of Tourette Syndrome. The name sounds like "ass burgers" which is what people with Tourettes might uncontrollably say. Wouldn't it be better if things were easy to remember like that?
Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work like that. So poor Yam would probably just be beaten up, Xylem and Phloem would be ostracized for doing so well on their Biology midterm and little Syphilis would die alone surrounded by her cats.
It is a good thing I am not a single dad - I don't think I could handle the naming responsibility.
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